Redefining Heaven
by IrishLeFay
Summary: Dee, Ryo and Bikky have settled into a nice family life, all the three of them have ever wanted, until a tragidy forces them to adapt to the unexpected and unplanned
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: Fake and all characters relating to Fake are not my intellectually property, I just borrow them. All new characters are the sole property of me and cannot be used in anyway with out my expressed written consent. Don't sue, I'm poor.**

Redefining Heaven

Prologue

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situations

_Author's Announcement: Greetings gentle reader! I know I have not been working much on my writing in the last few months, unfortunately my muses are very fickle. However, it is now again fall, usually a good time for me to write, and I hope to put out several more chapters of Delicate. That said, I have decided to try and start a new project as well, despite my inability to post chapters in a timely manner. As much as I love Delicate, I have been longing for some of Dee and Ryo's more tender moments, so I am have decided to start another fic, but have them working together instead of against each other. I hope you all will enjoy it as much as you have been enjoying Delicate. Thanks for being loyal to my work, those of you who are constant readers. For those of you who are new, welcome to the Irish experience ;) ._

"Yeah, he moved in last week." Bikky sighed and rolled his eyes, as he rolled down the sidewalk besides Cal. They were moving slowly, despite being on blades. "I don't think they've stopped hanging pictures since."

Cal snorted and giggled a little. Ryo and Dee had always had a very active sex life, to say the least, though she and Bikky both tried to pretend otherwise. "I could be worse... they aren't usually that loud though, are they?" Cal has spent the night a while ago, and even though Ryo's headboard wasn't against the same wall as Bikky's, they had heard the thumping all the same... like someone driving nails to hang pictures.

"I try not to notice. I sleep with my headphones on." Bikky made a disgusted face. No one wanted to hear their parents doing that.

"You guys need a bigger apartment." Cal paused at the corner of the street, waiting for the light to change. Bikky executed a slick turn so he was facing her, back towards the street.

"No shit. I think they're already talking about it though. Dee has a lot of shit." Bikky rolled his eyes again. "God, its like living with an ape."

"Bikky Goldman, I don't buy a word of it, you love having him there! I don't know why you insist on being such an ass to him. You know he absolutely adores you!" She sighed in exasperation. Bikky was insistent about keeping up this nonsense of not liking Dee. It was bull shit, and everyone knew it, except apparently Dee and Bikky.

"Hey, its not my fault he's retarded." Bikky shrugged. "Anyway, you want to come over for dinner tonight. Ryo said it was fine."

"Sure, my aunt's making tuna casserole again..." she stuck her finger down her throat and made a gagging sound. "Gag me with a spoon."

"Good! I can't stand being alone with them, they are so mushy, they can't stop touching for like ten seconds, I swear to god if they could, they would go to the bathroom together!"

he glanced up over Cal's head and saw the 'walk' sign light up. He let himself coast down the ramp onto the street, skating backwards into the crosswalk.

"That's so-" Cal has started after him, bikky already several feet in front of her. The light had only just turned, and Cal could see some gray sedan was determined to make the intersection, except now that the light was red, the sedan wasn't slowing down, at all. "Bikky!" Cal screamed, flailing to stop herself as well, falling hard on her butt on the curb.

Bikky only had time to turn his head, seeming to sense the direction the danger was coming from. Surprise didn't even start to register on his face as the front left corner of the sedan hit Bikky just below the knees.

Cal screamed again, her hands covering her mouth, as bikky flew what seemed like a hundred feet in the air, leaving one roller blade on the ground. He lost the other as he landed on the hood of the car, bouncing hard off the windshield. It was only then that the driver of the sedan started to break.

Cal didn't even realized that she was screaming repeatedly, shrill gaspy screams as she watched Bikky's lifeless body sail off the hood of the car. His second roller blade went flying as he cartwheeled over the asphalt, hitting a parked car like a sack of grain and crumpling to the ground. The sedan stopped just short of hitting him for a second time.

Slowly, Cal realized other people were screaming too. Someone was shouting to call 911. No one, including Cal, seemed to be able to move at first. The driver of the sedan stumbled out of his car. Cal couldn't hear him, her ears were roaring dully and by now they were half a block away, but she could see his lips moving in the same pattern again. _Oh god, oh god, oh god._

It was a sentiment she was repeating to herself, as she found her feet with a roar of rage, she struggled out of her skates and sprinted across the pavement. People were starting to gather around Bikky now, but they turned to watch as Cal through herself at the man who had been driving, kicking and hitting and biting whatever she could reach.

"You bastard!" She screeched, pummeling at his face "You bastard! I hate you! I'm going to kill you!" The man frantically tried to push her away, but she was like a cat who didn't want to be held, sliding silkily out of his hands. Another pair of arms came around her, hauling her off the man, though she continued to kick and hit and flail at him.

"Stop it!" Who ever had grabbed her was shouting. "Stop it! Don't worry about him!" the voice panted as who ever was holding her back struggled to maintain his grip. The driver was climbing back in his car, the engine revving to life again.

"He's getting away!" Cal screamed, fighting even harder, throwing her elbows back into her captor's stomach, stomping on his foot for all she was worth. She watched two other men jump in front of the sedan as it reversed, then moved forward, trying to make a get away. When he didn't stop the would be heroes dived out of the way. Cal screamed with rage, arching her back hard, throwing her weight, trying to get away from who held her, to go after the fucker who had killed her friend.

"Stop!" the man holding her commanded again, panting now "Your friend needs you!" Cal felt herself turned until she was facing the crowd that had gathered around Bikky. A woman was kneeling beside him, taking his pulse. Cal could see his eyes were open, and moving.

"Oh god!" She gasped. He was awake. How could he be conscious after all of that? How could he even be breathing. She was released, finally, and she staggered, unsteady on her feet, dropping down besides Bikky, not feeling his blood soak her knee-highs. "Bikky?" She looked at him, feeling sick as he turned his eyes to her, looking scared and confused, his eyes did anyway, his face was too bloody to see any expression. His blonde hair was almost black with blood.

"Bikky... oh god... its okay... you'll be fine." She said not sure what else to say, not daring to touch him, even the woman who had been taking his pulse seemed hesitant to try any kind of first aid. It was impossible to tell where he was even bleeding from. Sirens finally started to sound in the distance. "Hang on, the ambulance is almost here."

Bikky's lips moved as he tried to speak. His teeth were coated with blood, at least two of them looked like they had been broken off raggedly. No sound came out accept for a small gurgle and cough, blood spilling out over his lips.

The women, who must have been some sort of doctor was looking at the crowd around them. "Someone check his roller blades." She said calmly.

Check his roller blades? Check his roller blades for what? It didn't make sense and Cal dismissed it, watching Bikky's eyes slowly shut.

"Don't die Bikky." Cal whispered "Please..." The sirens had arrived and she was jostled back roughly by and EMT. She crab-crawled out of the way, moving to lean back against the car parked car bikky had hit. She knew there was blood on it, on her, but she didn't care, if she didn't lean against something right now, she was going to pass out, or throw up, or both.

Two EMT's were trying to get Bikky onto a backboard, two others seemed to be working on cutting apart his roller blade. Cal blinked, the world slowly going silent. Again with the roller blades? what the hell were they doing. She saw the one's lips move. _'I've got it.'_ Then the one with his back to her stepped out of the way, dropping something bloody into a plastic bag, zipping it, and packing it in ice. What the hell...

When it finally dawned on her what they were doing, her hands flew to her mouth, and she started screaming again.


	2. Paradise Lost

**Disclaimer: Fake and all characters relating to Fake are not my intellectually property, I just borrow them. All new characters are the sole property of me and cannot be used in anyway with out my expressed written consent. Don't sue, I'm poor.**

Redefining Heaven

Chapter One: Paradise Lost

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situations

"Goddamn, I swear if Rose sticks his head in here one more time." Dee grumbled, picking up the file he had been tossed.

"That's why he does it you know, to drive you crazy. He would love to issue you an official reprimand." Ryo sighed, shaking his head. When would Dee grow up a little? Ryo took another deep breath reminding himself that he had come into this relationship fully understanding what he was signing on for, besides, he was no picnic himself.

"I know." Dee sighed "I know... but he's so damned good at it." He rubbed his face. "Thank God, the days almost over."

"Not with this new file its not." Ryo shook his head, massaging the back of his neck and rolling his shoulders "We're going to be here until eight." or nine, or ten... Dee was such a slow reader.

"We're taking it home. I'm not staying here all night."

"We won't get it done at home, besides, I thought we decided to leave work at work." Ryo looked up at Dee, again reminding himself to have patients.

"You decided. What you didn't' factor in was that if we don't take work home, were here fourteen hours a day. If we don't take it home, we just stay here all night, and that's not any better. We still don't get to spend time with each other or Bikky. At least at home, we can be comfortable. Besides, its your turn to cook, and I am not letting you shirk KP again." there was a twinkle in his eye though, and Ryo had to smile. Ryo knew well that he was a terrible cook. The only dish he made with any proficiency was pasta. He and Bikky had eaten a lot of pasta and take out before Dee.

"Hungry for pasta, Laytner?" he teased, stretching his leg out under his desk, and it was quite a stretch, to nudge Dee's foot.

"Oh yeah, starved. Tell ya what, you let us take this home, I'll cook." he winked, knowing that it wasn't much of a bargain, no one wanted to be submitted to Ryo's cooking.

"Your on." Ryo chuckled, nudging his foot again gently. "Does that mean we're not having pasta?"

"No!" Dee laughed "No more pasta! You are going to turn us all into rottinii noodles!" He shook his head, stretching his own leg a little bit, not near so far as Ryo had to, to caress Ryo's ankle "How does chicken and rice with that raisin/wine sauce sound?"

"Good. Cal's coming for dinner I imagine, I told Bikky she could." Ryo reached over the two desks and gave Dee's hand a squeeze. "I didn't figure you'd mind."

"Of course not, Cal's great, a real-" The phone interrupted Dee, burrrring-ing loud enough that they both jumped. Dee snatched up the receiver. "Laytner." He listened for a moment, his eyes going to Ryo. Ryo frowned as Dee held the phone out to him wordlessly.

"This is Detective McLean..." He said, frowning, assuming the caller had asked for him, what was Dee looking at him like that, what was that look?

"Detective McLean, this is Officer Johansen, I'm a investigator with the fifty-third. I hate to have to do this over the phone, but time is a factor. Detective, your legal ward Bikky Jamison Goldman was hit by a car while he was crossing the street about half an hour ago-"

"Oh my God!" Ryo's eyes went wide, "Oh my God... what... where?"

"He is at the Country General, but the doctor just informed me he is being airlifted to St. Benedict's, unless you have another preference?"

Ryo's eyes flew to Dee. Airlifted, that, that was very serious. His mind blanked, he wanted to ask Dee, but he couldn't think of how to with out having to stop and explain the whole thing.

"St. Jude's. Take him to St. Jude's children's, if they have what he needs." Ryo said quickly, eyes still on Dee. Dee paled further, his eyes as wide as Ryo's, he took Ryo's hand over the desk.

"I will pass it on. They will be able to tell you more there."

"Thank you." Ryo didn't even blink, or say good bye as he hung up, still staring at Dee. "Its Bikky... he..." Ryo cleared his throat "He was hit by a car."

Dee's reaction was identical to Ryo's though neither of them noticed "Oh my god... oh god... what... where?"

"They are air lifting him to St. Jude's. He's currently at County General. We're supposed to meet them at St. Jude's." Ryo said faintly, eyes not leaving Dee's face.

Dee's hand was flat against his chest, over where Ryo knew his cross and saint medallion hung. "We need to leave, now." Dee said, clearing his throat, finally managing to blink, he stood quickly, grabbing his coat off the back of his chair, tossing Ryo his. "Come on."

Ryo stood just in time to catch his coat. Ryo grabbed the keys off Dee's desk, and they both dashed out of the office, still pulling on their jackets.

"Drake, tell Rose family emergency." Dee called over his shoulder as he trampled down the stairs to the back door of the precinct. Ryo flew out just a head of him, holding the door for Dee. Dee jogged around to the drivers side, it was his car, and it was a stick. Ryo could drive it, but Dee drove it with more skill. Ryo tossed the keys with almost eerie timing as Dee held up a hand for them. Snagging them out of the air, Dee unlocked the doors and slid behind the drivers seat. Dee who had driven this car for almost ten years, managed to stall out pulling out of the parking space.

"Shit!" he hissed, angrily cranking the key in eh ignition.

"Dee... calm down." Ryo said softly. He was anything but calm, and didn't really expect Dee to be, but he needed to be calm enough to drive. "Or we need to take the train." Dee took a slow deep shuddering breath.

"All right, you're right, I'm okay." Dee said, opening his eyes and started the car again more calmly, pulling smoothly out into traffic.

Cal sat in the passenger seat of a cop car, a rough blue blanket with yellow stitching around the border and 'NYPD' on one corner, around her shoulders. She had also been given one of those stupid teddy bears they carried to give to little kids. She clutched at it anyway, shivering so hard her teeth chattered. The Cop, Officer Johansen, had parked in the Emergency entrance area and ran in, he had come out again about ten minutes later, and with out a word, started driving somewhere else.

It didn't even occur to Cal to ask where they were going , or why she was here, or why the hell he thought some stupid stuffed animal was going to make it all better. She starred out the window, rocking back and forth a little. What she was really seeing though, was the EMT saying _'I've got it_' and dropping what had to have been Bikky's foot and most of his ankle into a plastic bag, like it was left over hamburger.

"Officer?" she whispered.

The officer glanced at her. "Yes sweetheart?" he didn't remember her name, she had rattled it off when asked, but she had been too busy trying to get the cops to understand who they needed to be notifying, and he had been too busy writing down what she was saying to catch her name when one of the other cops asked it.

"I'm going to be sick." she whispered.

"Ah... well, can you hold on just a little bit longer honey?" He asked, they were five minutes from the hospital, and traffic was congested, there was no place to pull over.

"Now!" She snapped. Officer Johansen didn't ask any more questions, having three daughters of his own, he knew that tone of voice. He pulled over so fast his breaks squealed, double parking. The girl threw open her car door, leaning out and retching hard.

Officer Johansen winced. He could never handle when his girls got sick, that was his wife's department. "Um," he said unhelpfully, patting her back awkwardly. She sobbed as she wretched again, shuddering all over. "Its okay?" he tried, willing to do anything at that moment to make the crying and vomiting stop. The girl shook her head, retching yet again, head hanging out over the street, clutching the handle of the door with white knuckles, the other braced on the floor boards.

Cal threw up until her stomach was empty, and even then she dry heaved a few more times. When she was sure she was done, she spit a few times, before sitting up again slowly, dropping her head back against the seat. She knew she was crying rather pathetically, but she didn't care. She felt like she had been ripped into pieces and hastily put back together with crazy glue, her insides all in the wrong places. She wanted her dad, damnit, but he was dead.

"Um, better now Miss?" the cop asked. _God what a retard_ Cal thought, she knew he was trying, but Ryo or even Dee would have been more adept at handling this then this big idiot. She nodded though, known that he meant could he close the door and keep driving, not whether or not she was actually all right. She felt him lean across her and pull the door shut.

"Mint?" he asked, offering her a pack of mints. She took the whole pack, not just one, knowing it was rube, but not caring. She lay back against her seat, closing her eyes, popping one of the candies in her mouth, feeling the officer pull back out into traffic.

They parked at another hospital, the officer not turning off the engine. Cal knew that from hanging around with Dee and Ryo, they never shut of the engine of a cruiser while they were on call. She looked around a bit, the officer was looking at her again.

"Um, we're at St. Jude's, that where they're bringing your friend. Bikky." he said as the name came to him. "Come on, I want a doctor to look at you, and I have to ask you some questions... you can keep the blanket and the bear." he added, as though that somehow made any of this better.

"Great." She rasped sarcastically, pushing open the door and stumbling out onto the pavement, squeaking softly as sharp stones cut through her socks. She still didn't have any shoes.

"Oh shit, you don't' have any shoes." Johansen said, dismayed. God but he was swift... Cal almost smacked her forehead

"No, I don't." She snapped, taking a couple hobbling steps, her feet feeling very sore though she wasn't sure why.

"I don't think you should be walking with out shoes?" Johansen had no idea what to do about that though. This girl was hardly a girl, she had to be like sixteen or seventeen, if she had been a child he would have just carried her inside, but he didn't want to have a sexual harassment suit on his ass. And if that skirt she wore was any shorter, he would have had to put her in cuffs for indecent exposure.

"Well, unless you can teach me to fly, that's about the only option I have!" She snapped.

"Carol?" it was a familiar voice, and Carol lifted her head to look around. Ten feet away, Dee and Ryo had just gotten out of their car. Ryo took one look at Cal, glancing quickly to Dee, then sprinted into the ER. Dee looked between Cal and the cop a minute.

"Cal, where are your shoes?" Dee asked, his heart in his throat, seeing how bloody she was. Not much of it could have been hers though, or she would have been in an ambulance, not a cop car... which meant it had to be Bikky's.

"I took off my skates... I dropped my shoes... no one picked them up." she started to cry again, holding her arms open to Dee, silently begging to be hugged. Dee didn't hesitate, hopping the hood of one car, dogging between a couple others, he scooped cal up in his arms, lifting her like a small child and hugging her close "They were my favorite shoes!" she sobbed.

The officer looked at Dee "Are you her father?" he asked, watching as Dee tucked the rough blanket around Cal a little more to compensate for her short skirt.

"No. What's it to you?"

"Well I can't just let her go with you if you aren't a guardian..." Johansen felt a thousand times a fool, but there was procedure here, damnit.

"Listen, my partner and son are in there." he indicated the emergency room with his head. "That's where I'm going, and I assume where you're going. She doesn't have any damn shoes, she can't walk in, there is glass everywhere."

"Yeah... yeah all right... and uh, I can see your badge-" it hung off Dee's shoulder holster, in easy sight. "So, um yeah."

"Thanks... Johansen." Dee said, pausing to check the guys name. He brushed passed the officer, obviously someone a little out of his league at the moment. Not that Dee didn't sympathize, but he had bigger chickens to roast at the moment.

Cal latched her arms firmly around Dee's neck, pressing her face to his shoulder and sobbing as she was carried into the bustling ER.

Dee paused once inside, looking around for Ryo. He spotted him over at the desk and moved over to him quickly. "What's going on, where's Bikky?"

"He's up in surgery. They want us to wait in the waiting room up there. Is Cal okay?"

"Upset." he said needlessly. "This is uh, Officer Johansen." Dee indicated the officer who was trailing after him with his head. "I assume he's here because he needs to ask Cal some questions?" he glanced over his shoulder.

"Right." Johansen nodded, finally sure of something.

"Okay..." Ryo was looking pale and upset. Dee empathized, but didn't want to talk about it with an audience. Ryo apparently did not either, and gave Dee a brief nod. Ryo turned and looked to the nurse standing nearby. "Is it all right if its a group affair?" He asked.

"In the waiting room, that is fine, and I will see if I can get the little Miss some scrubs to put on." The diminutive nurse said kindly. "Follow me."

It was a small procession up the stairs to the third floor, Dee carrying Cal the whole way, Officer Johansen trailing along and feeling a fool. The nurse showed them to a much quieter waiting room, one that was entirely deserted.

"You can wait in here. A doctor will come discuss things with you in more detail as soon as possible, if the lady wants to come with me, we can get her cleaned up." The nurse offered, touching Cal's shoulder. Cal shook her head, not letting go of Dee.

"Um, do you mind if I come?" Dee asked the nurse. Cal obviously wasn't letting go.

"Of course not, follow me."

Dee and Cal were led down a back hallway to a dressing room for the hospital staff. Dee paused as the Nurse stuck her head in, the door was labeled 'Women's'. When given the all clear, he carried Cal in, managing to set her on a bench, straightening. The nurse filled Dee's arms again almost immediately with a couple of towels, and wash clothes, small samples of soap and shampoo and conditioner, and a pair of pink scrubs. "I'll try and find something for her feet." the nurse said, patting the girls shoulder before departing. Dee sat down besides Cal.

"All right honey, here we've got everything you need to clean up, I'll wait right here, but you're going to need to shower by yourself." he chuckled faintly. "You're not my type."

Cal nodded taking what Dee handed her and limping over to the shower. After she peeled off her bloody clothes and socks, she saw that she had cut her feet up pretty good, probably running at the guy in the sedan. She sighed. Nothing to be done about it right now. She had to get cleaned up first.

The warm water calmed her somewhat, and she was much more in control when she emerged in the pink scrubs, still limping. She sighed deeply as she sat down next to Dee.

"I cut my feet."

"Let me see." Dee lifted up one foot to examine the sole. There were several smaller lacerations, most of them still bleeding a bit. "Well, that's not too good. Lets see..." Dee looked around. Standing up he grabbed a couple paper towels, and returned to Cal. "I don't know if you do this, but when I cut myself shaving..." these were worse then the tiny knicks you got shaving, but he didn't have much else at the moment. He pressed one paper towel flat against the bottom of her foot, holding it there until it stuck, then did the same to the other. "There. now you won't bleed everywhere."

"Thanks Dee." She wiped at her face. "We better get back to Ryo."

"Yeah, we had better." Dee agreed. "I'll carry you again, I'm sure the nurse will come back and then we can get some Band-Aids." Dee stood again and lifted her into his arms. She sighed softly and let herself be carried back to the waiting room.

Ryo was pacing the floor tensely, and Officer Johansen was standing awkwardly in a corner. Both seemed relieved when Dee and Cal returned. Dee set Cal in a chair, then turned to Ryo. Ryo took his hand as Officer Johansen sat down beside Cal with his notebook out.

"Has anyone told you anything?" Dee asked, as Ryo drew him to the opposite corner of the room. Ryo nodded a little.

"Yes, an RN came by while you can Cal were gone." Ryo swallowed hard and swayed on his feet a little.

"Whoa, sit down baby." Dee said softly urging him into a chair, sitting down beside him taking both his hands. "tell me."

"Its... its not good." Ryo whispered. "They're... they have him in surgery. They are taking out a piece of his skull, his brain... is swelling a lot... they aren't sure... how much damage there is. One of his lungs... his spleen..." Ryo choked up, shaking his head. "She said something about skin grafts." He whispered.

"Oh god..." Dee suddenly felt ice cold. He drew Ryo into his arms, hugging him tight. "Is he going to make it?"

"She wouldn't say." he whispered "Said the doctor had to talk to us about that." Ryo shuddered hard, and Dee's arms tightened around him, tucking Ryo under his chin, rocking him just a little. He didn't bother to say anything, what could he even say to that? His heart sank like a rock and he felt tears heat his own eyes.

_'God,_' he prayed _'God, please don't take our boy from us. Everything I have had you've always taken away from me... do not take him, please.'_

Arthur's Note: I hope you've enjoyed the first installment of my most recent work. Keep you fingers crossed that the muses remain happy. This is a plot I know well though, so I should be able to finish at least one arch of it. I know everyone and their mother has done the 'lets injure Bikky' story... but I am hoping that if you bear with me you will see that mine is a little different. Also I do have the next two or so chapters written, I am just doling them out slowly. It would be nice if you folk would be kind enough to review. Thanks to those of you who have left reviews longer then a line. All you one line folks, glad you're reading, but I put a lot of time and effort into my work, it would be great if you put a tiny bit into your review. Keep it real!

 I know there is some debate about whether its Carol or Cal, I have always liked Cal better, so I've decided to solve the issue this way: Carol is her legal given name, Cal is her nickname. And before anyone asks how you get Cal from Carol… How do you get Katie from Katharine?


	3. Tiger or the Lady

**Dis****claimer: Fake and all characters relating to Fake are not my intellectually property, I just borrow them. All new characters are the sole property of me and cannot be used in anyway with out my expressed written consent. Don't sue, I'm poor.**

Redefining Heaven

Chapter two: Tiger or the Lady

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situations

"Mr. McLean?" A younger man in a white lab coat called quietly from the entrance to the waiting room, a clipboard in hand.

"Yes?" Ryo sat up sharply. It had been nearly five hours since they arrived, and Ryo had been dozing against Dee's shoulder.

"Can I speak to you? I'm Dr. Weiss."

"Of course." Ryo was on his feet in an instant, grasping Dee's hand, drawing Dee after him, not that he really needed to, Dee was already on his feet. The doctor spared Dee a glance, but if Mr. McLean wanted him a long, then that was Mr. McLean's choice.

Hands clasped tightly, like small frightened children, the two followed the doctor down a hall to a small room with five or so chairs.

"Please sit." the Doctor said, indicating the chairs, identical to the ones they had just been trying to sleep on. They sat in unison, not letting go of each others hands, their eyes wide and glued on the doctor.

"Tell us what's going on, please Doctor." Ryo said as the doctor sat down across from them. "Please."

"Well Mr. McLean, I have been in the operating room with your sun for the past five and a half hours along with two other doctors. They are still working on him, but we have a better understand of what the damage is, and we have some things we need to discuss with you about his further treatment." The doctor paused, watching the two men exchange worried glances. The Dark haired one had yet to speak. When no one said anything, Dr. Weiss continued.

"The trauma to his head was fairly extensive. His brain is swelling. We removed a piece of his skull, to allow it room to swell without pressing against his skull, we also are apply some cool packing techniques to help keep down the swelling. We can't tell you right now if there has been any permanent damage for sure, but the brutal truth is, his chance of survival right now, combined with his other injuries, is sixty percent at best." he said gently.

He had expected the lighter one to burst into tears, having him pegged as the 'woman' of the two of them, but it was the dark haired one who turned sharply to his lover, bowing his head, a hand coming over his eyes.

Ryo wrapped an arm around Dee, holding him tightly. "Shh baby." he whispered. "Let the doctor finish." Ryo returned his attention to the doctor. "Continue please."

"Um, well." the doctor cleared his throat, thrown off a bit. Ryo didn't have a lick of sympathy for him. "If he does survive, there is a high chance that he will suffer lasting damage to his brain. Additionally, he has suffered a lot of other physical trauma. Both arms are broken, luckily neither of them are bad breaks, a couple months in casts should have them back to normal. All the ribs on his right side had been broken, two punctured his right lung." The doctor cleared his throat, this was a long list, if this boy made it... it was going to be a miracle. "We've repaired his ribs, and inserted a shunt to drain the blood from his right lung. His collar bone has three separate fractures, but again, they should heal with routine medical care."

Ryo grew paler as the list went on. Bikky's spleen had ruptured, tripling his chance for infection, the right side of his face had been put back together, there were lacerations to his liver, his left leg was broken and in traction...

"- and..." the doctor took a deep breath, as did Ryo, the tone in eh doctors voice bracing him for something terrible, though what could possibly be more terrible then what had already been listed. "His right foot was severed in the accident, from just above the ankle. The limb was recovered, but, the damage to his right leg is so extensive... We will have to completely reconstruct his tibia and most of his fibula, the muscle damage is extensive, nerve and vessel damage... I don't think there is anyway we can reattach his foot, there is nothing undamaged enough to attach it too. Mr. McLean, it is very likely we will have to perform a trans-femoral amputation, that's from above his knee." The doctor indicated on his own leg, about three inches above his knee. "Even if we manage to save the leg and by some miracle reattach the foot, it will almost certainly have limited function, it may bear his weight, but he will have a severe limp, very little sensation..."

"What are you saying Doctor?" Dee had finally sat up, his eyes hard on the doctor, feeling like they were getting the run around. "Just say it, nice and simple if you don't mind."

"Dee..." Ryo chastised weakly.

"It is my professional opinion that the best thing to do for Bikky is to amputate now." The doctor said evenly. "He is still in surgery, it is better we do it now, then have to put him back under in a couple days. If you choose not to amputate, it is going to be literally dozens of surgeries to not much result. Besides, the likelihood of infection and gangrene is almost probable. Without his spleen, plus all the other physical trauma, a local infection could quickly become systemic." The doctor paused looking between the men, looking to see how much of this they had absorbed. Their hands, all four of them were tightly clasped. The doctor had seen this before with married couples, married _straight_ couples. Every time he felt like he had pegged down who these men should be, they did something counterintuitive, to the doctor anyway.

"So, basically, we can have you try to reattach a foot that hasn't been attached for six hours now to a leg that is hamburger-"

"Dee, please." Ryo said, turning slightly green, he struggled with his stomach on the job, hear things like that about his son was close to unbearable. Dee didn't flinch, continuing.

"- more or less, with what, a seven in ten chance that not only will his leg get infected and have to be amputated, but there is what, at least a five in ten that it will get him sick all over?"

"That about sums it up." The doctor nodded, shifting uncomfortably at the blunt speech.

"Now, option B is that we give you the go-ahead to hack his leg off from above the knee, so he can what? Hop around on one leg the rest of his life?"

"Damnit Dee!" Ryo said a little more sharply. "A little tact, please!"

"Those are the facts Ryo. Just because they aren't pretty doesn't change what our choices are." Dee had finally turned his attention to Ryo. Ryo had released on of Dee's hands to put a hand to his mouth, feeling his stomach churn. Dee's free hand rubbed his back tenderly "I'm sorry baby." he said more quietly. "But we can't shy away from this."

"I know... I know that." Ryo took a slow deep breath before lifting his eyes once again to the doctor. "What about prosthetics? Didn't some guy with a prosthetic leg just break the women's sprinting record?"

"Yes, I don't remember the gentleman's name, but yes. One of my colleagues, Dr. Kerry O'Seanaughsey is nationally known for his skill both in performing amputation for the best possible outcome and in helping his patients transition into prosthetic use. I would have you speak with him, but he is currently in surgery with your son, he's already been trying to repair blood vessels and nerves to lessen tissue damage."

Dee and Ryo were looking at each other, though they heard the doctor clearly, trying to communicate between them what should be done. It was Ryo who finally looked over at the doctor again.

"Doctor, Bikky is a real active boy, basketball, roller blading, he's constantly moving. What would be the choice that is most likely to allow him to continue being athletic and active?"

"Amputation. I know it seems counterintuitive, I wish I could better explain the advances in prosthetics, but its not my field. Dr. O'Seanaughsey has made it very clear though, reattachment of the foot is nearly impossible, and the leg, were he able to save it, would be stiff, he would probably need a cane to keep his balance."

"Do we have to decide right this second?" Dee asked, his voice a little raspy, he cleared his throat before meeting the doctors eyes.

"No. Bikky will be in surgery for another two hours at least. But I can't give you more then an hour, and the longer you wait, the less chance there will be of saving the leg or foot if that's what you decide."

Dee looked at Ryo, holding his gaze a long moment. They had already reached a decision, Dee was sure of that. He knew what his heart was telling him, and Ryo seemed to agree, but he wanted time, just fifteen minutes. After a moment, Ryo nodded.

"I only need a few minutes doctor." Dee said, clearing his throat again, glancing at Ryo again. Ryo patted the back of Dee's hand reassuringly, knowing his lover wanted a few minutes to double check with God. Ryo didn't understand how Dee felt there was an involved and loving creator in his life, not with all the hardship Dee had suffered, but he had learned not to question it. Dee's faith was Dee's faith.

"I need to get back to the operating room. But Nurse Granger will be near by, if you tell her your decision, she will relay it to us in the operating room. We are looking at two to three hours more in surgery. After that, he will be brought to recovery, and someone will come and get you." The Doctor's expression suggested that he doubted it would be a decision made in a few minutes. He stood and shook Ryo's hand. "Mr. McLean."

"Doctor." Ryo nodded. There was an awkward pause as the doctor tried to decide if he should acknowledge Dee or not. It was Dee who finally broke the pause, rolling his eyes, he stuck out his hand, not giving the doctor the chance to ignore it.

"Doctor."

"Mr... Um, I didn't catch you name?"

"You didn't ask for it. Laytner." Dee didn't blink. He knew he had no legal right to be making medical decisions for Bikky, but he also knew that Ryo wanted him here, and that if this Doctor was going to be someone they had to deal with for a while, he had damned well better get used to having Dee around.

"Right, Mr. Laytner." The doctor shook Dee's hand, before turning rather abruptly and leaving the room.

Both detectives watch him go, listening as his footsteps fated down the hall, neither moving until the sound had disappeared entirely. Both were on their feet, having stood when the good doctor did. Finally, Ryo touched Dee's hand, turning to him, waiting until Dee was facing him before he spoke.

"I..." Ryo started, but got no further, a lump the size of a tennis ball knotting in his throat. He felt hot tears fill his eyes, and he dropped his head, taking a deep shuddering breath, trying to regain his composure.

"No, don't do that." Dee said softly, his hands coming to rest on Ryo's shoulders, drawing him close, against his chest. "Don't try and be strong." Dee wrapped his arms around his lover, holding him close. Ryo didn't fight it, pressing his face to Dee's chest, a hand fisting in his t shirt, hot tears flowing from him like fountain as he shuddered with repressed sobs.

Ryo was utterly unaware of time, he felt like his soul had cracked. The doctor had only given Bikky a sixty percent chance of survival, he had made no comment about the likelihood of long term brain damage, but Ryo knew you didn't have part of your skull taken out and wake up doing algebra logarithms. The idea of Bikky in one of those wheelchairs that tipped back because the person in them was too retarded to sit upright made Ryo almost felt like death was a better option. Bikky would never want to live like that, never. Even if he was perfectly mentally aware, _especially_ if he were. Ryo had seen the kids at Mother's orphanage, some of them seemed mostly normal, but there were three who couldn't even chew. Another half dozen that still wet themselves on occasion despite being nearly the same age as Bikky. Bikky, like Dee, had never been the best student, he had his learning challenges, but he wasn't retarded for Christ sake! Now? Lord only knew.

Dee looked down when Ryo half chuckled, half sobbed, which sounded a little bit like a violent hiccup. Ryo looked up at him, a rueful smile hard and bitter on his face.

"What baby?" Dee asked tenderly, smoothing Ryo's hair out of his wet face.

"I was just thinking about... about what the head trauma could mean... as far as long term damage. I thought 'lord only knows', but that's what you want to go check on, don't you? What the Lord knows."

Dee bit his lip a moment, knowing Ryo had never really been a good Buddhist, and that he and God had agreed to disagree about... just about everything. He knew how bitter faith made Ryo, almost irrational about it, really.

"Yeah baby, I do."

"You think He'll tell you?"

Dee couldn't tell if it was a sincere question or not, the cracking warble in Ryo's voice made it hard to discern sarcasm, but the answer was the same either way.

"When He's ready." Dee shrugged a little. There were a lot of things that God never had got around to explaining to him. But God certainly didn't have to answer to the likes of him.

Ryo sighed and nodded, smoothing Dee's shirt where he had bunched it in his hand. "Okay, koi, okay. I understand. Well, no I don't, but what matters is that you do." He took another deep breath, continuing to straighten and smooth Dee's shirt, though after a full days work, five hours in plastic hospital chairs, and Ryo's abuse of it, the only thing that was going to get the wrinkles out was a hot iron and a bottle of starch water.

"Thank you." Dee said softly, smoothing Ryo's hair again. "Are you okay, for a few minutes anyway, I won't be long."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going to go wash my face, take off my tie, try and not feel like I've been wearing the same clothes for-" he paused to check his watch "- fourteen hours."

"All right." Dee bent and kissed Ryo's forehead. Ryo caught the back of his neck gently, not letting Dee draw away, capturing his lips briefly for a tender kiss.

"I love you." he whispered, resting his forehead against Dee's

"I love you too." Dee whispered back, kissing him once more before straightening. "We will get through this."

"We always do." Ryo agreed, watching his lover. "We've got that whole teamwork thing down to a science."

"Sure do." Dee smiled a little. "Thank God for that. I will be right back."

Ryo nodded, waving Dee off, watching him leave, listening to him walk down the hall as he had the doctor. Once he was sure Dee was well down the hall, he stepped out of the room as well, heading to the men's room to wash up.

Arthur's Note: So if I had any self control what-so-ever I would stretch out chapter postings a little, you know, doing one a week or whatever, but I figure especially since this is only a couple chapters, I should get a chunk of it out there so you all are nice and addicted before I start spacing things out a bit :D I do have the next chapter done, but I am going to try really hard to hold it until next Thursday. Keep watching!


	4. Exorcising Demons

**Disclaimer: Fake and all characters relating to Fake are not my intellectually property, I just borrow them. All new characters are the sole property of me and cannot be used in anyway with out my expressed written consent. Don't sue, I'm poor.**

Redefining Heaven

Chapter Three: Exorcising Demons

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situations

Dee wasn't positive where the Chapel was here, but after directions from an orderly, he found it in short order, the signs with the arrows and a picture of a church on them helped too. He paused outside the double doors, not able to see in through the faux stained glass slats on the doors. After a slow deep breath, he was finally able to grasp the door handle, letting all his anger drain from him as he exhaled. Being angry at God never solved anything, it just made you deaf to what he was trying to tell you, at least that was what Penguin always said.

The Chapel was dimly lit, but actually rather large for a hospital chapel. The denominational indicators had been toned down a bit, Dee could tell, so that no one would get their panties in a wad, but there was still a small decanter of holy water screwed to the wall near the door. Dee dipped his fingers into the cool water, making the vague motion of dropping to one knee as he crossed himself. Ritual complete, he stepped further into the sanctuary, looking around. There were two or three other people with their heads bowed, but it was blessedly silent. Dee moved quietly down the center aisle and slipped into the second row of pews, easing down the kneeler before kneeling upon it. He didn't clasp his hands, just resting them on the pew in front of him, his rosary looped lightly around his left hand.

He stared up at the cross that hung over a small alter for long moments. It too had been de-factionalized, and was just a plain cross, not a crucifix. There was a small stained glass window just behind it, a circle divided in four sections. There were no patterns of saints or biblical stories, just a palate of colors in sort of a sunburst pattern. It was dark outside, but the colored panes still had a soft silvery glow to them. The moon had to be near full. Slowly, Dee's head lowered, his eyes closing with concentration.

"Hail Mary, full of grace," he whispered, he always chose to address Mary first.

'_the lord is with thee, blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus Christ. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and in the hour of our death._' Dee continued silently. _'Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will...'_ he paused, taking a slow breath, a very slow breath, as he felt anger and despair well up in him again, a rebellious little voice asking what God's will had ever gotten him.

"No demon can stand in the presence of the Lord." He whispered. _'The devil flees from the light, and there is light in me. Evil can have no power over a righteous soul, and my soul is righteous.'_ Dee blinked rapidly as tears wet his lashes. Penguin had taught him those words back when he still thought it was Mary's Fruit of the Loom's that were blessed.

_"Dee, what's wrong with you, boy." Despite the abruptness of the words, they were tender. Penguin was always like that, firm but tender. _

_"I think I need a... a..." Dee fumbled for the word, wiping at his eyes with small grubby hands. "Extra... extra..." Damnit what was that word? "Extraschisim?"_

_Mother Maria lowered herself to the attic floor next to the boy, wondering how in the heavens he knew what an exorcism was when he still needed Velcro shoes._

_"Do you mean exorcism, Dee?"_

_He nodded, his pretty green eyes wide and glistening with tears that he had quickly hidden when he heard her behind him. _

_"And why my dear, do you think need one of those?" The Mother Superior tired to hide and amused smile, knowing Dee would clam up if he thought he was being made fun of. Mother Maria often herself thought, when Dee was in one of his fits, that possession was the only explanation for how he could go from a sweet, gap-toothed child helping one of the younger children with the flap of their coveralls to a hitting, cussing, screaming little monster in the blink of an eye. But her thoughts on this had always been in jest. Little Dee was in earnest._

_"Because... sometimes I think bad things... and I'm always being bad. I don't mean to be bad." He looked up at her, face pleading for understanding and forgiveness. _

_"I know you don't Dee. I know you don't mean to be bad." And it was true, Mother was never one to say things just for the sake of making someone feel better, but she was pretty sure Dee's 'bad' incidents were a byproduct of his situation, and no real fault of his own. "What bad things to you think?" She reached out and gently caressed his midnight hair, moving slow. He wouldn't always let himself be touched._

_"Sometimes, a voice inside me says God doesn't love me, because I'm bad." Dee had looked away from her again, out the skylight at the church across the street. _

_"God loves you, even when you're bad, Dee, no matter what."_

_"I know. You tell me that all the time, and so do the Sisters, and Father Flannery..." he sighed deeply, far too deep for a child of four._

_"But what?"_

_"But I think what they really mean is that God has to love me, because no one else does. I get angry at God." _

_Mother pursed her lips, also turning her eyes out the window. Dee was the most challenging child in the whole orphanage as far as she was concerned. Not behavior wise, but because of this, this precociousness and nearly uncanny ability to cut through the bull shit and see to the truth of people. He was right, about the Sisters and Father Flannery, there wasn't a doubt in Mother Maria's mind. When they said God loved Dee, they meant that God had better love Dee, because there wasn't any mortal who could handle him._

_"So, you think you need an exorcism because you are bad and get angry at God?"_

_Dee nodded, glancing at her. "I saw it, at the movies, there was this girl, and she did lots of bad stuff and a priest did an extraschism, because it was the devil." Dee said 'devil' with a mixture of impressed awe and fear, as though he half wished he had the balls to be that bad._

_"I see." She was quiet a moment. "Well dear, I doubt you're possessed by the devil. You have your moments, but stealing candy from the corner store and dumping your dinner on the floor doesn't quite seem..." she looked for the right word "worthy of the devil. And as far as being angry at God... Dee, there are some people in this world who have every right to be mad with God. There are some people who meet hardship at every turn. Its okay to feel those things sometimes, but real faith is learning to let go of that anger, and trust that God would never want to hurt his children just to see them suffer. The problem with being angry at God, is that when you're angry at him, your head is so loud that your soul misses what he's trying to tell you."_

_Dee blinked up at her, hugging his knees too his chest, then looking out the window again. "But sometimes... the voice is so loud, and I'm so angry... I just, I just... I want to kick god right in the nuts! And I can't make it stop. But I don't want to be mad at God, especially since he had to love me."_

_"No matter what anyone else tells you, God doesn't _have_ to love you Dee, he wants to. He wants to love you. And he isn't the only one. When you look, there are always people who love you."_

_"So, what about the voice?" Dee wanted to move on, that was clear. How could a four year old not want to admit vulnerability? No child should have to feel like her Dee did, like so many of her kids did._

_"I will teach you a little prayer." Mother Maria said decisively. She had never taken the ritual of exorcism serious enough to read the rites, but she had an idea of how it was supposed to sound, at least as much of one as Dee must have from that stupid movie. "When you hear that voice in you, telling you to do bad things, saying bad things about you, or making you angry at God, you just say 'No demon can stand in the presence of the Lord. The Devil flees from the light and there is light in me. Evil has no power over a righteous soul, and my soul is righteous'."_

_Dee looked at her skeptically. Apparently it wasn't as theatrical as 'the power of Christ compels you'. "Um..."_

_"Well, its the Lord's truth Dee. No demon can stand in the presence of the Lord, and the bible says all who speak the Lord's name have the power to cast out demons."_

_"The bible really says that?" His interest piqued a bit._

_"Yes it does. Now say it with me. No demon can stand in the presence of the lord..." she paused, waiting for Dee to repeat after her._

_"No demon can stand in the presence of the lord." Dee said, his small voice seeming to ring more true then her own._

_"The Devil flees from the light, and there is light in me. Evil has no power over the righteous soul, and my soul is righteous."_

_"The Devil flees from the light, and there is light in me. Evil has no power over the righteous soul, and my soul is righteous."_

_"You just say those words, Dee, and you will cast out your demons." Mother reach out and patted his back gently, wishing it were that easy to cast out the more sinister demons, the ones that had nothing to do with Evil and everything to do with circumstance._

Dee repeated those words in his head several times before his anger was truly gone. He knew now that wasn't the voice of a demon, just the voice of doubt. He took another deep breath, slowly lowering his head to rest against the back of the pew in front of him, his hands on either side.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee." Dee whispered, starting from the top. _'Blessed thou art among women, and blessed is the fruit of you womb Jesus Christ, Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and in the hour of our death, Amen.'_ He paused a moment before he started the Lord Prayer again, wanting to be sure there was no lingering doubt in him. It unnerved him when he realized he couldn't be sure.

"Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name." he continued anyway, he was too cramped for time to work on his relationship with the Father at the moment. _'Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, like the sonofabitch who ran over my son.'_ Dee sighed, pretty sure saying 'sonofabitch' during prayer was a little bit blasphemous, but he decided to let it stand. "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom the power and the glory, forever and ever, amen." He finished the rest in a whisper, hoping actually having to say the words would keep at bay any more torettes-esq sacrilegious outburst. After another long moment of reflection, he lifted his head to fix his eyes on the cross.

_'Mary, my Mother, I beg you to intercess on my behalf, petition the Lord for me, that my son will not die. I know there is no more that I can give to Him then that which I already have, and no bargain I could make would be worthy of his notice. But as a mother and a parent, please, have mercy on my son.'_ Dee felt tears in his eyes and cleared his throat, blinking rapidly._ 'I know I am not the image of Christ that we are all called to be, but I have always loved God, and in my broken way sought to serve him. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.'_ He paused, his hands now clasped, fingers laced together as he gazed at the cross. He dropped his head to rest on his clasped hands, closing his eyes once more as he tried to picture Bikky, minus a leg, to see it in his head, to picture a prosthetic instead. His minds eye watched his imaginary child playing as he usually did, shooting hoops, roller blading, chasing with his friends, rough housing. He could see it, all of it, with a mechanical leg in place, and to his mind Bikky looked... well, like Bikky, happy, in constant motion, not to mention the attitude and ego. It made him smile, just a little bit, to see the picture of his son tussling with him on the living room floor, being a little too rough like always, and perpetually foul-mouthed.

He wiped those images away slowly, letting them fade, a happy active boy, sans a leg, was still a happy active boy. He let his mind clear completely before he conjured the future of the other option. Bikky, in one piece, but with a mostly dead leg. Having a hard time keeping up with his friends just walking, using arm canes to keep his balance. Roller blading was out of the question, and so was basketball. It caused him pain too, Dee could see it in the set of his face. Bikky, just a shadow of his normal self. No spirit, no life to him.

Maybe they were just the images he wanted to see, because he knew he and Ryo had really already agreed to what was going to happen, maybe it was self delusion. But Dee had always trusted his gut, and it never lead him astray to date. Of course, all of this was assuming Bikky didn't wake up drooling and pissing himself.

Dee lifted his head again, one last prayer, one last person to petition before he could get off his damned knees.

_'St. Jude, glorious Apostle, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor has caused you to be forgotten by many, but the true Church invokes you universally as the Patron of things despaired of; pray for me, that finally I may receive the consolations and the intercession of Heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly the health and well being of my son. Help him heal and grow into the man I know he will be. Watch over him St. Jude, aid him in his hour of need. I promise you, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, and I will never cease to honor you as my special and powerful patron and to do all in my power to encourage devotion to you. Amen.'_

Dee crossed himself, and kissed the cross of his rosary before he stood, both knees popping. He paused in the aisle to gaze at the cross once more, touching the small bump under his shirt that was his St. Jude's medallion and crucifix, before he backed slowly out of the chapel, going to find Ryo.

Author's Note: Well, another chapter that underlines my fascination with Dee's faith. Anyway, I am a little sad, I haven't gotten too many reviews, and I know people are reading, because on FFN it tells me how many hits my story has had. Less then 10 of people reading are reviewing, and that's sad  . I have been percolating a one shot lemon in my head for a while, so you all may want to look for that on my site and on MM.


	5. Leap of Faith

**Disclaimer: Fake and all characters relating to Fake are not my intellectually property, I just borrow them. All new characters are the sole property of me and cannot be used in anyway with out my expressed written consent. Don't sue, I'm poor.**

Redefining Heaven

Chapter Four: Leap of Faith

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situations

Ryo had been surprised to find Cal still in the waiting room when he returned, he hadn't seen her when he and Dee had gone to speak with the doctor, and he had assumed she had left hours ago, while he had been dozing.

"Carol? You're still here?" He asked, crouching down in front of her. She was curled on her side on a short two-seater bench, an arm under her head.

"Duh. Where else would I be." She rolled her eyes a little, which almost made Ryo smile. Teenagers would be teenagers it would seem.

"Well, home and sleeping. Have you called your aunt, does she know where you are?" Ryo smoothed a hand over her ponytail.

"Yeah, I called my aunt a while ago and told her where I was. She wanted me to come home, but she didn't say I had to. I couldn't sleep anyway." Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Bikky flying over the hood of some jackass's car, then cart-wheeling over the pavement. "Besides, I want to know what's up."

"You won't be able to see him tonight, you know." Ryo said gently, of course tonight was quickly becoming this morning, "He will probably be in ICU for a while."

"I know. Do I look like a retard?" She rolled her eyes again sitting up. "What did the doctor say?"

Ryo rubbed a hand over his eyes. He knew she was going to ask, but really wishing she wouldn't. Cal was too smart to let him sugar coat it either. She had seen what had happened. She knew it wasn't too good.

"Its, not too good honey." Ryo sighed, moving to sit beside her. "He's still in surgery, the doctor said another two hours. He had some real bad head trauma, and they had to take out a piece of skull to give his brain room to swell." He said slowly, trying to make this as untraumatic as he could. "He has a lot of internal injuries, one of his lungs collapsed, they removed his spleen, all the ribs on one side of his chest are broken..." Ryo cleared his throat.

Tears had welled in Cal's eyes, she knew it was bad, but knowing exactly what kind of bad gave her a clearer mental image. She could see each injury as it happened, pinpointing exactly what caused what. "What about his foot. I know... I know that its not... they found it in..." she stifled a sob.

"I know." Ryo wrapped an arm around her, hugging the girl to his side. "They think its best we don't try to reattach it." he paused, debating if he should tell her the rest, like this wasn't enough for the poor kid.

"What! Why!" Cal looked horrified.

"Well, his leg is really... its bad honey. It would take a ton of surgeries, and there is a real high risk of infection. The doctor things that the best thing we can do for him is..."

"Leave it off?" she sniffed

"That... and to remove most of the rest of the leg, from above the knee." Ryo managed to get that out with out his voice cracking, or breaking down himself.

"They want to cut off more? Are they insane!" Cal had pulled away a little to look at Ryo, as if trying to judge the level of Ryo's sanity. "You aren't going to let them are you?"

"I'm waiting on Dee so we can make the final decision, but what the doctor told us is that it would be... just dead weight, he wouldn't really be able to use it, and he's already going to have to have a prosthetic. If we remove more, then we'll have the undamaged part of his leg left, and he will have a functioning prosthetic. I guess some guy with a prosthetic just broke the women's world record for sprinting."

"So, by cutting off his leg, he'll actually be better?" Cal asked skeptically. "I mean, better then keeping it." not better then before, it was a prosthetic not a bionic leg.

"That's the gist." he nodded.

"So he'd be able to run, and skate and stuff?"

"With practice, yes." Ryo nodded again.

"Then that's what you should do. I bet he'd say the same. He would rather play sports and not have a leg, then to have one and have it be useless anyway." Cal nodded decisively. "Yes. That's what you need to do."

"Yeah, I think that's where Dee and I are at too. Unless of course God says otherwise." The last part he mumbled under his breath, God his left testicle. What kind of god ran a thirteen year old kid over in the street?

"Dee prays a lot doesn't he?" Cal asked, watching Ryo. Bikky had told her that Ryo wasn't at all religious, at best doing some lip service to a Shinto bend of Buddhism. She knew there was a shelf where he kept a picture of the Buddha and a couple other sacred objects, Bikky said he had never seen Ryo do anything with them other then dust them. And he never went to temple. Dee on the other hand...

"Yes, I suppose he does." Ryo nodded, thinking back over the course of knowing Dee. Mass every Sunday he could get there. Evening vespers a couple times a month. Confession at least twice a month. He always carried a rosary, and Ryo saw it out, wrapped around Dee's hand, beads moving slowly through his fingers probably a couple times a week, usually if something had upset him, on his knees every damned night next to the bed.

"Ryo, are you still with me?" Cal was watching him closely, having moved away a bit and was now sitting with her legs folded in front of her, facing him.

"Yeah... I was just... trying to think of how often I had seen Dee praying." He smiled a bit. "Yes, he has a deep faith, to answer your question a bit less vaguely."

Cal nodded as though she already knew the answer. "Bikky talks about that a lot."

"Dee praying?" Ryo's eyebrows rose. He couldn't imagine Bikky every bringing up the issue of faith, especially pertaining to Dee in any way other then disparagingly.

"Well... just the difference between you two." Cal shrugged, not about to lecture an adult on spirituality.

"I never knew that." Ryo sat back, rubbing his face. This night was never going to end. He was convinced of it. It would just be one endless purgatory. Things were becoming almost surreal to Ryo, though he knew he was deeply concerned about Bikky, he had gone almost numb, like he wasn't sure what they were even doing here any more.

"Hey Dee." Carol's voice broke through Ryo's transcendental meandering.

"Cal, you're still here?" Dee sounded as confused and surprised as Ryo had felt. "Does your aunt know you're here?"

"Yeah, I called her a while ago." She nodded, drawing her knees up to her body and wrapping her arms around them. "I want to stay at least until Bikky is out of surgery."

"Find by me, kiddo." he gave her ponytail a gentle, friendly tug, turning her head back and forth. His eyes though, had met Ryo's. It was time to get down to it, and they both knew it. "Honey, why don't you go find yourself something to eat, you didn't have dinner." Dee said pulling out his wallet and handing her some cash.

Cal wasn't really hungry, but she knew a request for privacy when she heard one. "Sure, thanks Dee. You want anything? Ryo?" When they both shook their heads, she shrugged and got up, tucking the money in a pocket on her pink scrubs, meandering slowly from the room.

"Everything squared away?" Ryo ask, glancing at Dee.

"As much as it can be, I suppose." he took a slow deep breath. "This is gonna be one of those things where we stand here for ten minutes staring at each other because neither of us wants to be the one to say it first isn't it?"

Ryo gave a dry chuckle and shook his head. "Yeah. Fuck."

Dee nodded, that about said it all. When Ryo broke out the four letter words, the shit had really hit the fan. Dee sat down beside him, rolling up the cuffs of his shirt.

"You wanna say it?" Dee asked, glancing at him sidelong

"Nope. You?" Ryo returned the look.

"This is insane, we both know... all right here is what we're going to do, so no one as to be the one to say it. We're gonna close our eyes, and on the count of three, hold out one finger for keeping, two for not, and three if we've come up with an alternative answer." Dee felt like a five year old doing this, known for a fact he and Ryo disagreed, but also knowing that feeling in the pit of his stomach, one he knew Ryo had to have too, that was the fear of knowing they agreed, but they actually didn't.

"Ten-four." Ryo closed his eyes and held out his hands, one hand flat, the other fisted and resting on top of it.

"All right, on the count of three."

Ryo cracked an eye briefly, just to be sure Dee had his eyes closed, then quickly shut it

again, having full faith in Dee not to cheat. "One"

"Two."

"Three."

They said the numbers together hitting their fists into their flat palms on each beat. After the count of three, there was a pause. Then they both slowly opened their eyes, looking at each other first, gazes intense, saying so much. _'I love you. I'm scared. What if we're wrong? What if he doesn't make it? I trust you. I love you.' _

Ryo looked down slowly, his fist rested in his palm, two fingers out, the mirror image of Dee's two fingers. Dee let out a sigh of relief, and Ryo realized that he too felt some relief. They were doing this together, backing each other. They were united in this, no matter how terrible the choice was. Dee had dropped his head back against the wall, eyes closed, his Adams apple moving up and down.

Ryo scooted closer to him, laying a hand on his chest, over his heart, leaning in so his mouth was almost against Dee's ear. Taking comfort in the scent of Dee's hair even as he comforted.

"Don't you try and be so strong either." Ryo whispered, caressing his neck and jaw line. "I love you. I know sometimes I get impatient, but love, I respect everything about you. You have a mind of your own, and even if I get sharp with you, I want you to use it." Ryo nuzzled Dee's ear, and then his neck, kneeling on the padded bench beside him. He knew they needed to go and sign papers and tell the nurse their decision, but they both needed a moment with each other. Ryo knew how much Dee hated to disagree with him, or do anything that he thought Ryo might look down his nose on. Dee was really very sensitive, when it came down to it, Ryo reflected. This had to have been hard on him. Stating an opinion without knowing ahead of time that Ryo would agree with it, even though they had both known. Stating that he wanted time with God. Yes, Dee had been very brave in his own way today.

"You are too good to me." Dee whispered, his arms finally coming around Ryo, holding him loosely, caressing his back.

"Never." Ryo shook his head, cupping Dee's cheek, turning Dee's face towards his own. "Never, Dee Laytner. Don't you undercut yourself like that." Ryo shook his head, kissing Dee softly, feeling a weight lifted off of him now that the choice was made. There was still long hours in front of them. But at least they had accomplished something.

Dee kissed Ryo back sweetly, opening his eyes finally to look at him. "I love you too, baby. I love you too." He rested his forehead against Ryo's a moment, looking into his eyes. They kissed once more before slowly separating. Ryo standing first, giving Dee a hand up.

"Come on, partner, we have papers to sign."

Arthur's Note: This chapter was a bit shorter I think then the previous ones. But I feel like it was pretty dense. I know Cal is being fairly calm about the amputation, but I think for her, its easier because its just what has to be done, not a decision she has to make. As long as Bikky can still be Bikky, to her that's all that matters. Thanks so much to those of you who left me those nice (and long!) reviews. It really thrills me when I open the email from FFN and see a nice long paragraph. You guys totally rock!

g


	6. The Intercession of Jude

**Disclaimer: Fake and all characters relating to Fake are not my intellectually property, I just borrow them. All new characters are the sole property of me and cannot be used in anyway with out my expressed written consent. Don't sue, I'm poor.**

Redefining Heaven

Chapter Six:

The Intervention of Jude.

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situations

"Why am I at a truck stop?" Bikky asked with insincere annoyance as he looked around him. "I mean, how did I get here?" But he knew, at least he thought he did. This truck stop wasn't just any truck stop; it was one he had been to once, just over the New York line, coming back from Canada. He had gone with Dee and Ryo up to Toronto, no real reason, 'just a vacation'. It had been so early in the morning Dee was still calling it late. They had sat in a booth, the three of them, Bikky on one side with Ryo, Ryo's arm around him, Dee across from them. "We had breakfast..." Bikky said softly, looking around him again, at the tacky industrial flooring, the front counter with its cracked blue vinyl padded stools. That day they had had fat truckers asses on them. Dee had nudged him, bending down to whisper in his ear. _'Bikky, as a cop, am obligated to tell you to 'just say no' to crack.'_ he had indicated the row of but cracks with his head, and Bikky had laughed. "I had cheesy eggs and bacon. Because Ryo never makes bacon."

"Good, it's terrible for you, you know."

Bikky jumped, he had known he wasn't alone, but the voice startled him nonetheless. He turned his head sharply "Who the hell are you?"

The person who addressed him chuckled. "You can call me Jude." Jude slid into the booth across from Bikky. "You and I are going to spend some quality time together."

"You know, usually when people say 'quality time' they mean 'I'm going to lecture you." Bikky raised a pale eyebrow at Jude, but his usual street attitude was a thin veil at best. Jude looked like the kind of person Bikky would love to hang out with. He was somewhere between a teenager and an adult, not quite old enough for Bikky to mistrust him, but still old enough that he carried some authority.

"No lectures, I promise." Jude smiled, holding his hands out, palms up, in a gesture of peace. Bikky stared as his hand, pale palmed, the back a deep tan, just like his own. Bikky glanced at his own palm covertly, then back up at Jude.

"Whatever. Where are Dee and Ryo?" He looked around. They should be near by, one of them at least. He couldn't think of any other way he would have gotten here.

"Close by." Jude said, echoing his thoughts. "Don't worry, they would never leave you alone for long." He smiled.

"They are gonna be pissed. You're sitting in Dee's seat, and I'm not supposed to talk to strangers." Bikky's eyes narrowed, why was this guy sitting with him anyway?

"Somehow, just this once, I don't think they will mind." Jude smiled again. "So, just kick back. You want anything?" He gestured to a menu on the table, that Bikky didn't remember being there.

"What, you buying?" He again shot his companion a sidelong glance. He was young, but he could still be some weird pedophile.

"I think this ones on the house." Jude leaned back in his seat. He wasn't terribly tall, not like Dee, and Bikky didn't have to worry about kicking him under the table, even when he stretched his legs out.

"If you say so man." Bikky shrugged, opening the menu. He glanced at it, then back at Jude. "Three things on the menu."

"Are there?" Jude leaned over a little to read the menu upside down. "So it would seem. Well, I guess you don't have to think too hard about what to order then, do you?"

Bikky closed the menu, frowning. "Where are Dee and Ryo?" he asked again, eyeing the men's room. It was the only place he could think they would be.

"Don't worry Bikky, they are close. They would never leave you all on your own. Just be patient." Jude shot him another friendly smile. Usually someone who smiled as often as this jerk did it meant they were feeding you a line, that you were about to take it up the ass. And not in the allegedly fun way Ryo and Dee did. This Jude though, seemed nothing but genuine. Completely sincere in what he said.

"If you say so..." he glanced around, looking for the waitress. "So um, not to be, like, rude, but why are you sitting here. This place is dead, you could sit anywhere you want."

"Because, someone needs to sit with you until Dee and Ryo get back." Jude poured himself a cup of coffee. Bikky blinked, not sure the pot nor the mug had been there, but not entirely sure either, that they had not.

"Oh great, a baby-sitter." Bikky rolled his eyes. "You know Jude's a pretty weird name. What were you like named after that Beatles song or something?"

"Nope. My namesake is a little older then that. Besides, a weird name for a weird person right?" Jude indicated himself. Bikky had to agree, Jude looked even weirder then he did. A mop of kinky curly black hair that was about jaw length, but absolutely everywhere. Jude's skin was about the same color as his own, but he had green eyes, not brown, and they were shaped a lot like Ryo's, but his face was way to hard lined to be anything like Ryo.

"So, what are you, are you black?" Bikky indicated him with his chin. "I'm black." He said this last part somewhat defiantly, even as he looked down into his glass of cherry coke, the real kind, coke with cherry Grenada in it, there were even three cherries floating with the ice. He wrapped his hands around it and took a sip.

"I could tell." Jude nodded "And, yes, I am, but I'm a lot of other things too." He sipped his coffee, rolling the mug between flat palms.

"Why, because my skins dark? I could be, like, Mexican you know." Bikky huffed, sucking some of the coke into his straw before quickly putting his finger over the end of the straw, lifting the end that had been in the glass to his mouth, then taking his finger off the end. Ryo hated that.

"You could be, but you're not. I can see it in the shape of your face, and the way you hold your head." Jude shrugged. "Besides, your hair is just a little coarse," Jude pulled at his own nappy hair to demonstrate. "I've never seen a coarse blonde haired Mexican."

"It could happen."

"Sure, but you're not. You're Haitian." Jude gave a decisive nod.

"Yeah, and?" He shrugged. His dad had been from Haiti. It had only been almost four years since his dad had been killed. Not that long ago, really, but there were times that that part of his life was nothing more then a waking dream, a waiting time until he met Ryo. Most of the time all he could remember about his dad was his long dred locks, and the accent.

_" 'dis be my boy. 'e be real smart. Show da' man how smart you be.'_

Bikky sighed. Sometimes, he missed his dad, his real dad. He remembered sitting on his shoulders, holding on to his thick dreds. He remembered that he smelled like weed and Silverwolf. It was easier to remember how he had died, but Bikky tried not to. It scared him. How fast someone could disappear from your life.

"And nothing." Jude shrugged again. "Just stating the facts man. Do you remember your dad? Not Ryo, the one who died I mean."

Bikky's eyes narrowed again. This guy was fucking uncanny. "Yeah, sometimes. Why?"

"Just wondering. You seemed to be thinking hard."

"Yeah, well I try not to." Bikky crossed his arms and looked away, determined not to talk to this guy. Jude didn't seem to mind, sipping his coffee quietly, though Bikky noticed it was more cream and sugar then coffee.

The silence dragged. Bikky felt the words bubbling up in him, and he clamped his lips tight. He didn't even talk to Ryo about this stuff. This bastard could just go to hell. He wasn't going to say one damned-

"He wasn't a bad person you know." Bikky finally snapped.

"I never said he was."

"Well you know, I know what everyone thinks, he dealt drugs, yeah, he was almost always fucked up, drunk or stoned. But it wasn't his fault. He just..." Bikky shook his head.

"He was sick wasn't he?" Jude asked softly.

"Yeah. Yeah he was. He coughed all the time. No one would give him a job. Not that the booze didn't have something to do with that. But he always said, you know, if someone would just give him a chance, he could turn it around." Bikky shook his head, fishing out a piece of ice from his cup and chomping on it angrily.

"But people did give him chances, didn't they?" Jude the man had almost fallen off Bikky's radar, only his voice registered much any more, as Bikky wandered deeper into childhood memory.

"Yeah. They did. He drove a bus when I was real little, and worked at a pizza place, making pizzas..." Bikky remembered sitting at a table in the kitchen of the restaurant with a coloring book and gnarled crayon nubs, watching his dad toss the dough. "And working at a gas station, driving a cab... he never could get it together." Bikky shrugged.

"You didn't know that at the time though, did you tiger?"

The pet name made Bikky's eyes sting, and he drew his knees up to his chest. Dee called him tiger. He wanted to be telling this to Dee, not some Joe Dumbass. Dee would understand. Dee had been there.

"Don't call me tiger. That's what Dee calls me."

"All right, I won't." Jude stood, and Bikky turned to him in alarm.

"Where are you going? I don't want to be here alone." He made the admission before he could stop himself. This place was warm and soft now, like a big fuzzy towel, the memories of sitting here with Dee and Ryo that morning making it safe. But the silences and eerie emptiness, Bikky thought, could fast become scary. He still wasn't so sure that something didn't live under his bed. Being alone, not knowing where Ryo was, he didn't want to feel that.

"You won't be alone. I'm just going into the kitchen to see what's up with our food. Don't worry, I'll be here when you are ready again." Jude smiled, and patted his shoulder.

"All right..." Bikky didn't ask what he meant by 'ready again'; sometimes adults were weird, meaning something just a little different then what they said.

He watched Jude leave, rounding the corner into the kitchen and disappearing. Bikky moved deeper into the booth, leaning against the wall, stretching his legs out in front of him. His leg ached vaguely, and he rubbed it, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. God, he just wanted to go home.

**Author's Note: I wasn't too sure about this chapter, but test audiences have enjoyed it, so I decided it was good enough. Let me know what you think. Additionally, I havce just written a nice hentai type piece, obviously not available on FFN, but you can find it on my website **** 0r at mediaminer. The title is 'Third Time's the Charm'.**


	7. Prince of Cups

Redefining Heaven

Chapter Seven: Prince of Cups

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situations

"Mr. McLean, Mr. Laytner?"

Ryo's head snapped up, as did Dee's. They had been sitting on the floor, playing the dot game, they had been playing for half an hour, having filled the entire notebook page with dots before they started with the lines.

"Um, yes?" Ryo said, setting aside the legal pad they had borrowed. The person addressing them wore a white lab coat and an exhausted expression that needed no name badge saying 'doctor', but he wasn't the same man who had been with them earlier.

"I'm Dr. O'Seanaughsey. Kerry O'Seanaughsey. Please, just call me Kerry, that's a mouthful, I know." he made his way across the room, his stride slightly stiff, offering his hand to Ryo, who had stood, then Dee.

"You're the doctor who..." Dee cleared his throat, unable to say 'that cut off my sons leg'. "Um... well... Dr. Weiss said that you were an expert in... um..."

"Amputation." Dr. Kerry nodded. His hair seemed too red to be allowed, especially in the pastel waiting room. Dee was pretty sure he couldn't have been more of a Mick if was dressed in shamrocks. "That's me. Your son is out of surgery. You can't see him just yet, but by the time we're done talking, they should have him settled."

"Talk? What about?" Ryo tried not to sound annoyed, he wanted to see Bikky, right this second.

"Just, some details. Don't worry, nothing worse then what you've already heard." The doctor glanced around, spying Cal asleep in the corner. "Will she be okay alone?" he asked with a concerned frown.

"I think so... She's a smart girl." Dee nodded.

"Alright..." Dr. Kerry looked skeptical, but said nothing. "If you'll follow me..." he turned and guided them down the hall back to the small conferencing room that they had been in with Dr. Weiss. Dr. Kerry held the door for them, then sat down, unable to repress a small sigh. Ryo realized the man had to have been on his feet for at least the last eight hours.

"So, not to rush you..." Ryo said, sitting down, barely. Dee was pretty sure if you took the chair out from under him, he would just stay in his current position.

"Of course, I understand. The amputation went very well, I feel like it was very successful. Of course, we still run a chance of infection, but compared to what that would have been if we had kept his leg, its a very small chance. The neurosurgeon who operated on his head, Dr. Friday, feels that he is stabilized for now, and they've managed to at least control the swelling somewhat. What I want to talk to you about before you see him is what to expect."

Ryo nodded, trying hard not to make an impatient gesture for him to continue. It seemed pretty obvious what they should expect...

"He looks very rough, the truth is, he is very rough. We are keeping him in ICU. His face is going to be very hard to recognize. His nose and part of his cheek bone are broken, both have been set easily, but he has a splint on his nose, and his face is very puffy and discolored." He glanced at both men, gauging their reactions.

"Alright..." Dee said.

"His head will look rather bigger then usual, that's just the bandages and cold packing. He may open his eyes, that is a very common thing when people are in comas, they may open their eyes, or twitch, that doesn't mean he is conscious. If he does open his eyes, you'll see that he has burst blood vessels in both. Again, perfectly normal for the trauma he has suffered. Currently we have him intabated, that is, we have him on a respirator, so there are tubes in his mouth to help him breath. We removed his two upper teeth in front, because they were broken off very jaggedly, as well as a lower incisor. His right arm is casted to above his elbow, his left arm is splinted not casted, to allow for IVs." The doctor went on, feeling deep sympathy for the two men before them, this list was endless. This boy would be lucky to survive, Dr. Kerry didn't even want to think about the lasting effects of the head trauma.

"Okay, anything else Doc?" The dark haired one, the one who wasn't a legal guardian, asked. He was obviously impatient, his left leg jittering.

"Almost done," Dr. Kerry reassured him. "His left leg is in traction at the moment, but we're going to see what we can do about that in the next couple days, its been casted as well. There is a shunt in his right lung. Its bandaged over so all you will see is some tubing, but were just draining any remaining fluid. We will take that out and see about re-inflating his lung when he has his skull put back together. The stump-" The doctor paused as Ryo actually gagged. Dee slid an arm around him, rubbing his shoulder. "-is bandaged. Its going to be shocking at first. But you made the best possible choice for your son. Honestly, that should be the least of your worries. His head trauma and the damage to his lung are more apt to be life altering."

"We know." Dee nodded. Ryo had a hand to his mouth again, head down. "Can we see him now?"

Doctor Kerry cleared his throat. "Technically, Mr. Laytner, you aren't a relative. But what the nurses don't know, can't hurt them. Just... get the paper work in order so I don't lose my job, please."

Dee looked at him a long moment, judging the doctor's face, before he nodded and offered his hand. "Thank you." he said quietly.

Ryo stood, making it very clear that if someone didn't show him to his boy, he was going to just start opening doors until he found him.

"Thanks you for what?" Dr. Kerry said, implying that he had know knowledge that anything and transgressed. "This way please." He stood after shaking Dee's hand, stepping around Ryo and leading them down the hall.

Ryo grasped Dee's hand tightly, lacing their fingers together, his palm cold and sweaty against Dee's which felt unnaturally dry and hot. The hospital around them was quiet, at least compared to the chaos that was Ryo's mind at the moment. Dr. Kerry's uneven stride was silent on the hard floor, sneakers muffling the sound. They took a left, passing a sign hanging from the ceiling that read 'Intensive Care Unit.' Finally, the doctor stopped in front of a door, a large window looking into the room. Even half way down the hall Ryo could discern which beepings were coming from Bikky's room. He stopped, just sort of the window, taking a deep breath. Dee looked over at him, his expression filled with too many emotions to even try and discern any one of them. Ryo tightened his fingers on Dee's, stepping past the doctor. He didn't look in the window, not wanting to see Bikky until he was beside him, afraid he would freeze up in the doorway if he knew how bad it was. He pulled Dee after him across the threshold.

The room was very dim, not quite dark, but close, most of the light filtering in through the observation window. Ryo was glad for the dimness as he slowly approached Bikky, releasing Dee's hand as he drew near the bed. He could see the white bandages around his head from the door, neatly wrapped. When he got a little closer he could see that his shoulders were bare, no hospital gown covering him, more neatly wrapped bandages wound around his torso, starting just under his armpit and disappearing under the sheet. From this side, Ryo couldn't yet see the flat sheet where a leg had once been, instead only able to see the one small leg, casted all the way up to his thigh, slightly suspended. His right arm rested uncomfortably over his waist, the bend of he elbow making it hard to rest easily while on his back. The hand closest to Ryo was in a splint, two IV needles inserted into his veins, taped in place.

The doctor had been right, Bikky's face was hard to recognize, it was swollen and discolored, one eye socket seeming to have almost disappeared under the swelling. There were seams of stitches all over, his forehead, his chin, along his cheek. A white splint covered his nose. God, was this his son?

"Bikky..." Ryo whispered softly, touching a bare shoulder, it seemed to be safe, no bruises or lacerations. "Oh god, sweetheart." His skin felt cool under Ryo's fingers, and he pulled the sheet over him a little more. He wanted to gather Bikky up in his arms and hold him close, but moving was the last thing that would help right now.

Bikky's chest rose and fell in time with the whooshing of the machine beside him, a small steady blip monitoring his heart. Every natural function of the body, things Bikky had done with out even considering before were now being done with assistance. Could his little boy really be alive in there?

Dee stood close behind Ryo for long moments, looking at his would-be son. He was reminded of what people described aliens as looking like, big heads, gray, oddly shaped faces... Bikky was almost a gray color, ashen and faded. The bright blonde of his hair was gone, having been quickly shaved off before surgery. His blue eyes were hidden from sight, his cafe au latte skin had had more latte and way less cafe then before. It looked like he was only partly in this world.

His arm came around Ryo's waist from behind, holding him close to his chest, his other hand reaching out to caress Bikky's shoulder. "I got ya baby." Dee whispered, and Ryo wasn't sure who he was talking to, him or Bikky. Both, he supposed, or hoped, because his knees were starting to give. Ryo leaned back into Dee, closing his eyes, letting more and more of his weight rest on Dee. He felt Dee turn his face against his hair, taking slow deep breaths. Dee was feeling this too, Ryo realized, straightening a little, hugging Dee's arm, caressing the back of his hand.

"He looks so small." Dee whispered. Bikky had always been a bit petite, but like a puppy, he had paws too big for his body, and both men were pretty sure any day now he would shoot up like a weed.

"I know." Ryo whispered back, touching his fingers. "Too small for all of this."

They stood for a long time, not moving, accept for to caress the small part of Bikky's body that weren't bandaged or bruised of swollen. He lay still, accept for the rise and fall of his chest. More still then either had ever seen him. Finally, Dee stood a little more upright, letting go of Ryo, taking a deep breath.

"So now we wait."

"Now we wait." Ryo nodded, glancing back at Dee. He looked exhausted and worn thin. He looked, Ryo realized, for the first time since Ryo had known him, his age.

"I'm going to go talk to Cal, she needs to go home. She can't sit in the waiting room forever.

"She's going to fight like a feral cat." Ryo shook his head. "She really cares about him." He sighed softly. "You want me to do it?"

Dee shook his head "No. You stay with Bikky. He loves you more anyway." He was trying to tease, but it fell short. It wasn't the truth, but Dee thought it was.

"I hate when you say that. Its not true. Go talk to Cal."

Dee nodded, slipping from the room, and Ryo watched him go, loving him so much that for a moment it hurt. His mother had told him once, that everyone is born with a cup, some people are born with a small cup, and it didn't take much for it to be too full. Some people were born with big cups, and the world could pour down on them, and their cup would still be slow to fill. Ryo knew himself well enough to know that his cup was average. He could handle the stress of his job, the stress of having a very rebellious thirteen going on fourteen son. He could handle the every day stresses, car problems, leaky pipes, meetings with Bikky's teachers and principal. He had managed to handle his parents' death... but not so well, in reflection. But he had handled it. And he was handling this. Barely. But he was handling it. Dee though...

He and Bikky were so much alike it was painful sometimes. Both of them seemed to have endless tolerance, the constant drip of their lives, each little episode adding up, and the huge deluges. You could almost watch the process in both them. At first, it would knock them down, throw them off their stride. It only took them moments to shore up their walls though, to get up again, more determined then ever. It hurt, really, Ryo thought, to watch the process. What it came down to is that they had learned to have big cups, because there was no one else in their lives to catch the extra if they overflowed. All their posturing and tough talk, it was really just like a warning signal 'don't get too close, I'm leaking'. God but he loved them both so much.

Ryo sighed deeply, his eyes feeling dry and scratchy. He cleared his throat, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes.

"What am I ever going to do with you Bikky." He asked softly, very carefully taking his left hand as he hitched a hip on the bed. "My little tough guy. I bet you told the paramedics it was just a flesh wound, didn't you?" He smiled a little. The three of them had watched Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail a few weeks ago, Dee and Bikky were both still quoting it. "We're going to get you better. I swear. Whatever it takes. I just hope you can forgive me." Ryo took a deep breath finally glancing down at where Bikky's right leg was supposed to be. The world tilted radically as he saw the sheet lying mostly flat, starting a little above where his knee was supposed to be.

"Oh god." Ryo groaned softly, closing his eyes a moment, before forcing them open, and forcing them back to... to... what was left of his leg. The word 'stump' made him feel like he was going to vomit. "Alright, so trial one didn't go so good. You are going to hate me." Ryo rubbed his eyes. "I love you Bik, you have to know I would never do anything to hurt you. Never. You have had enough pain in your life. But the doctor says this is the best thing we can do for you. I'm so sorry." he whispered, leaning down, half laying next to Bikky, wiping angrily at tears that had managed to return. "We'll get through this kiddo. We will. I swear."

Author's Note: Alright I feel like an idiot. I've had this chapter for ages. I have no idea why it never got posted... no that's not true, I think there was a bit of a crisis around the time I was getting ready to post it and it got forgotten. Anyway, here it is, better late then never. Sorry its short, but it just seemed like a good place to stop.


	8. One Chair Short

**Disclaimer: Fake and all characters relating to Fake are not my intellectually property, I just borrow them. All new characters are the sole property of me and cannot be used in anyway with out my expressed written consent. Don't sue, I'm poor.**

Redefining Heaven

Chapter Eight: One Chair Short

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situations

Dee returned nearly an hour later, managing to carry four Styrofoam cups, two in each hand, looking just as chewed up as he did when he had left.

"Any change?" He asked, knowing there wasn't

"Nope. None. What's that, coffee?" Ryo indicated the cups with his head. He was sitting in a padded chair besides Bikky, holding his hand.

"No, tea, and they had powdered soup mix. It looks like shit, but we need to eat, its been..." he paused, trying to remember when they had last eaten. "Sixteen hours."

"Yeah." Ryo sighed, standing and taking one of each from Dee, freeing his hands a little bit. "Thanks." He had no doubt the tea would be just as he liked it, or the closest Dee could manage. "You haven't slept at all."

"Neither have you, really." Dee shrugged, there was only one chair in the room, and the nurses didn't seem to think they warranted a second. He wasn't about to steal Ryo's seat.

"I dozed some." And he must have slept at least a little bit, it was nearly twenty four hours since they had woken up, and by this time Ryo knew the floor would be moving, if he hadn't slept at all.

"Well, I haven't mastered sleeping on my feet just yet." Dee shrugged, leaning back against the wall, sipping at his... well honestly Dee couldn't tell if it was the soup or the tea, they were both the same piss-yellow color. What he assumed to be the soup had some chunks of something that had the texture of pebbles floating in it.

"Sit. I've been sitting a while now. I asked for another chair, but..." he shrugged "The orderly hasn't been back since."

"Isn't amazing?" Dee rolled his eyes. "I garnet you if one of us was a woman, that chair would have been here when we got here."

"Not everything is like that. He probably just got busy. Doctor --I don't remember, the red head-- was perfectly polite." Almost helpful, actually. Ryo knew the hospital didn't have to let Dee be here.

"He's queer." Dee shrugged, pushing off the wall. He went around to Bikky's right side, leaning down and kissing the one smooth spot on his face before hitching a hip on the bed. "Hey bud." he murmured to Bikky.

"Oh he is not." Ryo rolled his eyes, it felt wrong to be talking about anything other then Bikky right now... but at the same time, it was a relief. It meant that things were as normal as they could be under the circumstances, that he and Dee were still what they had always been, partners, friends, lovers.

"Five bucks says he is." Dee glanced at Ryo, a corner of his mouth turning up faintly.

"Like you have two nickels to rub together Laytner." Ryo's banter was tired and half hearted at best.

"Ha! I have three." Dee looked down at Bikky, smiling a little. Bikky loved that, the friendly teasing. Sometimes Bik went a little far, but Dee never faulted him for it. "I'll borrow the other four eighty-five from the Bikster." He didn't expect any response from Bikky, but he couldn't help but hope. Bikky was very tight fisted with his cash.

"Well crud, that had been my plan." Ryo replied, faking normalcy.

"I'll let you pay me in services rendered." Dee winked half heartedly.

"You wish." Ryo snorted, kissing Bikky's knuckles. "Five bucks wouldn't get you far, I'm not cheap."

"Just easy."

At this point, Bikky was usually throwing a fit about the two of them, telling Dee to keep his perverted paws to himself, and berating Ryo for talking about those things in front of children. It was all part of the schtick. Their own private little standup routine.

"I bet he's more upset about his hair then his leg." Dee said, glancing down at the stump, touching the thigh gently, not too close to the bandages, not wanting to cause him any pain.

"Nothing would surprise me from him." Ryo tugged the sheet a little higher on Bikky's chest, he felt chilled. "You know, I wish we could put some clothes on him or some thing. He feels so chilled."

Dee touched his shoulder, frowning "Yeah, he does. Why don't they have a gown on him?" Dee stood up and was unbuttoning his work shirt, which he had been wearing in his preferred style of half open with a tank top underneath.

"Probably because of the shunt." Ryo indicated the small tube sticking out of his bandages. "And with his arms..."

Dee slipped out of his shirt and draped it gently over Bikky's still form, tucking the sides of his shirt around Bikky, careful that it didn't cover the tubing in his chest.

Ryo immediately readjusted the shirt once Dee's hands were out of the way, the essence of a mother hen, sighing softly. "I hope that's okay." He murmured, making sure Bikky was covered, but the shunt wasn't.

Dee nodded, shrugging back into his holster. Ryo was still wearing his as well, unsure what to do with it, not feeling like he could just leave it laying about.

"I think, in a few hours, I'm going to go home, get some things for us, and him." Dee caressed Bikky gently before getting up and going back around to the other side of the bed and sitting down in their one chair, drawing Ryo down onto his lap, making sure he was within easy reach of Bikky's prone form. "We need to have some kind of plan here. This is... not going to be a short visit."

"No doubt. We have paid time off." Ryo settled in Dee's lap, not giving a damn if some nurse or orderly walked in, if they weren't going to give them another chair, then they could just deal with the homoeroticism.

"Yes, we do. About two weeks each of us." Dee nodded, leaning his head back against the wall, and adjusting Ryo's holster so it wasn't gouging either of them. "It will last longer, if we don't take our time off at the same time. Four weeks instead of two."

"Yeah..." Ryo nodded, he didn't like that, he didn't want to work with out Dee at his back, and it would be hard to work all day, then come to the hospital for the night. He had no doubt one of them would be with Bikky twenty four hours a day.

"If... if we need to, we can work opposite shifts." Dee didn't want to think about this hell lasting longer then a month.

"That... lets not think that far out, just yet. Do we want to alternate days, or what?" Ryo asked, laying his head on Dee's shoulder, closing his eyes as well.

"Lets..." Dee thought a moment. "I think, we both need a couple days before either of us goes back. Maybe I can call around and switch shifts, so these can just be our days off for the week."

"You know," Ryo hesitated, biting his lip. This was going to go over like the Hindenberg. "Its not like we need both of us to work." Ryo had a trust fund. It wasn't huge, but the interest it made in a year was almost the same as Dee's salary. Dee insisted on everything being right down the middle though, even though even with out the trust fund, Dee made around seventy five cents to Ryo's dollar.

Dee stiffened as Ryo had predicted, but surprisingly, he didn't speak right away. He had started to, his mouth opening, but he closed it again, and waited. Ryo wondered if he was counting to ten, or what. It took him so long to say something Ryo was starting to get even more nervous.

"You're right." He said finally. "We don't." There was another long pause. "But you're going to be the one taking the time off then."

Ryo sat up a little on Dee's lap. "Pardon? Did you just tell me what to do?"

"No. I said _if_ one of us takes extra time off. It will have to be you. Because if I stop getting paid, I can't make rent." Dee replied evenly.

"Dee, that's just stupid. Not to put too fine a point on it, but we both know I make more." Dee's income was expendable. Ryo had made ends meet just fine on his salary alone. They hadn't really incurred any extra expenses since they had consolidated households. Dee paying half of rent and utilities had been silly, and that had been their first major fight, but Dee had been adamant.

"Yup. I know. But I still have half of rent to pay. You can make your half and not work."

"Okay, you know what? That's in four weeks. We have no idea where we'll be at in four weeks. Lets not do this now." Ryo said, rubbing his temples. He shouldn't have brought it up, not now. Money was always a tense issue.

Dee let out a slow breath, resting his head back and closing his eyes again, his arms hugging Ryo a little closer, tucking him against his shoulder "You are right. This is absolutely not the time. I'm sorry."

"Hey, it was my fault too." Ryo replied, kissing his bare shoulder. "We're both just exhausted."

"I know. Try and sleep." Dee murmured, his hand stroking along ryo's spine in a way that he knew made Ryo purr.

"You too Dee." Ryo lifted his head long enough to kiss his chin briefly, before resting it against Dee's shoulder again, one hand resting on Bikky's fingers, the other on Dee's chest. He closed his eyes slowly. The beep and whoosh of the machines taking care of his son faded into tense elusive dreams, but sleep, light as it was, did come.

Ryo woke some time later, he wasn't sure how long, time had ceased to exist. Dee was still asleep, and rather deeply so, Ryo judged, by the soft snoring and how he could tell Dee's eyes were moving under his eyelids. Even in the dull gray light filtering into the room, even with lines of worry and tension between his eyes and mouth, he was a very handsome man.

He could hear the hum of Bikky's life sustaining machines next to him, just out of his line of sight, and Ryo thought perhaps he should be looking at and thinking about his critically injured son, not his lover. He needed a moment though, selfish or not, Ryo just needed a moment to gather himself and Dee soothed him. He didn't need to be awake, or even paying attention to Ryo, but Ryo always felt soothed when he was near. The world was just a little less scary.

Slowly, Ryo slipped from Dee's lap, his ass numb as well as both legs from the knee down and he had the crick from hell in his neck. Dee probably was fairing at least as bad, Ryo reflected with a sigh, touching a slightly stubbled cheek, before learning down and kissing his beloved's forehead.

_'Thank God for Dee,'_ Ryo thought, and was rather surprised at it. He paused, fingers lingering on Dee's cheek, his lips finding a stubbled chin and kissing that as well. For a moment, just a moment, Ryo suddenly understood how Dee saw the world. Every bad thing that happened, every time Dee got kicked when he was down... he didn't blame God, he thanked Him that it wasn't worse.

Ryo finally lifted his head and straightened, turning to his son. It could have been worse. Bikky could be dead, with no chance. Right now, slim as it was, there was a chance. The detective doubted he would ever be able to thank God for such a small break... but he understood how Dee could. When you only had small breaks... you took them.

"Bikky..." Ryo whispered, caressing the back of one hand, normally the color of coffee with a little cream, now the color of ash. "Don't you leave us." he whispered, feeling tears hot behind his eyes. "Don't you dare." There was no hair to smooth from Bikky's brow, no place Ryo could touch him with out fear of causing him pain. All he wanted was to hold his son.

He needed to breath. The walls of the room suddenly felt smaller, and Ryo could feel his heart speed up. He hadn't had a panic attack since Dee had moved in, but he felt one looming. He closed his eyes tight a moment. Now was not the time.

After counting slowly backwards from twenty, Ryo finally dared move, to unclench his jaw and his fist. He opened his eyes and kissed Bikky's hand briefly. "Don't worry, Dee's right here with you." He murmured. The panic was still hot in his chest, but he had it under control for now.

He turned to Dee, kneeling down next to him, starting to unbuckle his holster and slip it off his shoulders, without waking him. No easy task, Dee woke so very easily, always on alert. "Its okay baby," Ryo whispered, close to his ear. "Its just me, let me take this off you."

It worked, it usually did, and without waking Dee actually lifted his shoulders enough for Ryo to slid the holster free of them. Ryo had learned, after a time, that Dee responded, even in the deepest sleep, and just telling him what was going on, usually kept him asleep. He wondered at how Dee ever got any rest, if he was alert enough even in deep sleep, to hear and understand him.

That task managed, Ryo carefully took Dee's service revolver out of the holster, not sure what to do with it. He wanted to take it home with him and put it away so they didn't have to worry about it, but he didn't want it in his hands, even in the holster. With a sigh he supposed he'd have to go ghetto on this one, and untucked his shirt, tucked the gun into his pants at the small of his back, and tucked his shirt back in around it.

That achieved, he wrapped up the holster in its own straps, then kissed Dee once more, before exiting hastily. He strode through the hospital, taking the steps down to the ground floor. Dee still had the car keys, but Ryo didn't want to drive anyway. He headed out, away from the hospital, walking fast, trying to burn on the nervousness and anxiety. Trying to clear his mind. He needed to get back to meditating daily.

It was several miles back to his apartment, and though Ryo would have gladly walked the whole way, he didn't want to be gone that long. Instead he walked several blocks, watching the city that never slept change its shifts. He could see prostitutes making there way away from their corners, people driving or walking to work, others departing from it. THe world had just kept right on moving.

Ryo finally hopped the subway, as the sun had managed to rise enough to be seen over the horizon of buildings. He got off several stops early , and again walked. When he entered their apartment, he stopped just in the door, looking around, it was almost like a foreign land. As though he and Dee had been at the hospital for weeks instead of a day.

It took him long moments to shake himself out of his daze and melancholy. He kicked the door shut rather harshly, and went into the living room, flicking on some music. Michelle Branch, of all the ungodly things, why it was in the stereo Ryo had no clue, but it was a bit catchy, and it didn't let him dwell.

that done, and the apartment no longer silent, he went about the business of getting done what needed doing. The guns he locked away carefully. He took a quick shower and changed, brushed his teeth, almost as though he was going to work. Instead of moving on to wake Bikky and tell Dee the shower was free, as he normally would have, he went to the closet he shared with Dee.

It was very full, which amused Ryo to no end. He and Dee both were clothes horses, it would seem. Even this morning, it made him smile. No, no they weren't gay at all... there were only about ten pairs of shoes in the bottom of the closet, and a rainbow of ties on the back wall. Nope. No queers here.

He surprised himself, even jumping, when a small giggle escaped him, which made him laugh even more. It wasn't true laughter, instead it bordered on hysteria, but it was laughter and not tears, and Ryo didn't bother trying to stop it. He did try to work through it though, not wanting to stop for a giggle fit.

Whose half of the closet was whose was very easy to distinguish, and it had nothing to do with the size difference either. Ryo's half was all mellow earth tones, all kinds of browns and

greens, a very few rusty maroons, some black and gray. All very sensible, all very unremarkable.

Dee's half, jeweled tones, reds, blues, greens, even some purple. Lots of black, a little gray and a lot of denim. It was almost artistic with all that color. Ryo was just glad Dee had fashion sense and some taste, with all that color it could have been disastrous otherwise.

Ryo tossed some of his own clothes on the bed, nothing exciting, nothing too dressy, even though that was generally what he preferred. A couple changes of Dee's clothes followed. Dee's ipod, his own laptop and a couple paperbacks. In Bikky's room, he paused, unsure what to grab, clothes seemed moot... socks maybe? He'd only need half as many.

Ryo cringed, fingers tightening on the dresser, biting his lip. God... how would life ever be the same? How would Bikky ever be the same? It wouldn't, Bikky wouldn't. There was no going back now. And it had been at his word that the leg had been removed. His choice. How could he have done that to his son?

Tears that he had been battling since the hospital overwhelmed all his defenses, though Ryo battled desperately to keep it together. His shoulders started to shake as he leaned more on Bikky's dresser, dropping his face to his arms, biting down on sobs, his throat aching as hot tears cut paths down his cheeks.

Why? That was the question that chased in Ryo's head. Why Bikky? Why them? Why could nothing be easy? Why could none of them ever catch a break? Why? Why? Why? And there was no answer. None.

Ryo's knees gave and he sank slowly to the floor, to his knees, then leaning over onto one hip, resting his head against the wall, pressing the back of his hand to his mouth to keep ragged weeping to himself.

He sat like that for what felt like ages, tears running down his cheeks, along his jaw, then dropping to the floor or his shirt. Even when the sobs slowed to sniffles, he sat unmoving, unable to summon the will to press forward for a long moment. Finally though he pushed him self to his feet.

Ryo wiped his face with a shirt sleeve, still sniffling as he continued about his business, finding Bikky's ipod and portable speakers, the stuffed rabbit that was his comfort object, and looked like it might be a biohazard, no matter how Ryo tried to clean it. Finally, he made his way back to Bikky's sock drawer.

Breathing deeply, he opened it slowly, as though a wolverine were lurking in there, not Hanes tube socks. Sure enough, there were probably two dozen neatly paired and rolled socks, a wide variety for Bikky's different athletic pursuits, but in one corner of the drawer, easily a dozen partnerless socks. Singles whose mate had been lost in what ever twilight zone lost socks went to.

Small breaks. It was all about the small breaks.

Ryo scooped up the singletons and stuffed them in the bag as well, shutting the drawer quickly before he could look again at all those neat pairs. He grabbed a couple of Bikky's books as well, both his and Dee's toiletries, some food, a throw blanket from the back of the couch, and then finally, he was on his way, locking the apartment behind him.

Dee was awake by the time Ryo returned, and gave him a wan smile. A nurse was checking Bikky's vitals, Dee seeming to be invisible to her. Ryo smiled back to his lover briefly, setting the duffle down on the floor beside the chair. Still the only one in the room. Maybe Dee was right, Ryo reflected, maybe some things really were like that. Intentional slights.

He went over to Dee, who was standing now, leaning against the wall, caressing his cheek, looking up into tired and soulful green eyes, touching an olive cheek. Dee managed another smile just for him, resting a hand on Ryo's shoulder. They backed each other, always, one hundred and ten percent, and if a few homophobic nurses thought that leaving them with only one chair would change that, that making their disapproval known would somehow shame them into more socially acceptable behavior, obviously they didn't know just how deep loyalty and love could run.

Ryo went up on tiptoe, wrapping his arms around Dee's neck, kissing him soundly, lingering just a moment, not put off by the stubble on Dee's chin, and not giving a flying fuck about the nurse.

"Babe?" Dee asked, sounding a little surprised, it was rare Ryo ever displayed their love so publicly.

"'morning, handsome." Ryo smiled, like the sun breaking through clouds, and that's how Ryo felt, having gone through dark moments, he was ready to press forward again. Life just kept moving, no matter how much you wanted it to stop. And sometimes, you only got one chair, but that was one chair more then no chairs.

Author's Note: Yes I know, its been ages since I've updated. That's just the way it goes it seems, so be patient everyone, I'm not dead just slow. I'm sure you all are dying for another chapter of Delicate as well, I'm still working on it, don't worry. Thanks for your patients with my slow way of working.


	9. Second Hand Psalms

**Disclaimer: Fake and all characters relating to Fake are not my intellectually property, I just borrow them. All new characters are the sole property of me and cannot be used in anyway with out my expressed written consent. Don't sue, I'm poor.**

Redefining Heaven

Chapter Nine: Second Hand Psalms

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situations

Bikky looked around, surprised, he stood in the living room of the apartment he, Ryo, and now Dee lived in. He couldn't remember where he had just been, what room he had stepped from so that he was now standing in the living room. In the kitchen, he could hear music, and laughter.

_"Dee! Dee! Oh my god! What are you doing!"_ Ryo was laughing, gasping. Not the laughing and sputtering that came when Dee was being a pervert, but when Dee was doing something silly. Bikky felt himself smile, peering around the corner to see what was going on in the kitchen.

The table had been pushed up against a wall, the rugs smooshed up against them as well. Something was in the oven, and dishes were in the sink. Dee had been cooking, Bikky assumed, since there was no pot of noodles boiling on the stove. The radio was cranked up and some lame song from before Bikky had been born was on.

_"...I've set my sights with you, and no one else will do, and I, I've got have my way now baby, all I know is that to me, you look like your having fun, open up your loving arms and watch out here I come._" Dee sung along, Ryo was bushing hotly as Dee tried to get him to dance, mostly just dancing around him, getting down with his bad self. Bikky had to giggle, Dee doing all kinds of retarded moves from the eighties, but with an impressive sense of rhythm.

_"Dee, I don't dance!"_ Ryo protested, still laughing, revolving slowly to watch Dee move from the 'lawn mower' to an energetic disco. _"I'm asian, we dance worse then white people!"_

Dee shrugged, as if he couldn't hear Ryo, clamping an arm around his waist and pulling Ryo flush against him, holding him tight as the chorus came around, forcing Ryo's body into rhythm with his. Bikky preferred not to think of why it was that Ryo fell into rhythm and tempo so quick once he was pressed against Dee.

_".. you spin me right round, baby, right round, like a record baby, right round round round..." _Dee was grinning like a retard, still singing as he and Ryo moved, forward and back, showing Ryo's body how to move. After a moment he stepped back just a little, so Bikky could have at least slipped a dime between them, and one of Ryo's hands came to rest on Dee's side, Dee's hands on Ryo's hips.

Bikky leaned against the door frame, watching them dance, Dee eventually managing to get Ryo to execute a spin. Ryo laughing the whole time. Bikky would never admit it, but he loved to see them like this, both of them so happy, relaxed... appropriately dorky for adults.

"Do you remember this?"

Bikky nearly jumped out of his sneakers, the query coming from just behind him. The blonde boy spun quickly, and glared.

"What are you doing here?" It was Jude again. The warmth he felt a moment ago evaporated as he realized he _did _remember this exact scene. It had happened a couple weeks ago. The next song would be-

_"You've got your ball, you've got your chain, tied to me tight, tie me up again. Whose got their claws in you my friend, into your heart, I beat again. Sweet like candy to my soul, sweet your rock and sweet you roll. Lost for you, I'm so lost for you. Oh when you come crash... into me. And I come into you..."_

They had shifted, Dee's arm coming around Ryo's waist, Ryo's hand automatically coming to his shoulder, the fingers of their free hands laced together. Dee sung, his voice smoother than that of Dave Mathews, right on pitch. Bikky watched, a knot in his throat as their eyes met, and didn't part. He wasn't sure anyone would understand how he felt.

"Its good to see them together, isn't it?" Jude asked quietly, once again uncannily picking up on Bikky's train of thought.

"Yeah, I mean, not like I _like_ like it. But... like, I'm glad they stopped being retards."

"It feels good to know they love each other, because then you'll always have both of them, doesn't it? You know neither of them is going away." Jude's voice was still soft, his curly hair wild about his head, glancing between the slow dancing detectives and Bikky.

"I fucking hate how you do that." Bikky growled. "Get out of my head. I don't know how you do it, but its just creepy, dude."

"Sorry sport, its in my job description." The young man smiled slightly.

"They notice me at the next song. Why am I having like, a dream sequence?" Bikky glanced around. This was more than a memory. A spike of fear rose in him suddenly. "Am I dead!" A frown crossed his face, he remembered... something... Cal screaming, a impact...

"No Bikky, you're not dead." There was a tone to what Jude said, a certain sorrow.

"What the hell is going on!" Bikky stamped his foot, seeing the scene continue to play out before him, Dee and Ryo looking to the doorway, a fast song coming on again. Bikky could see himself moving into the kitchen with them.

_"Oh my god, you guys are so embarrassing!"_

_"Its in the job description, sport."_ Dee laughed, and Bikky watched as Dee dragged Bikky's second-self a little closer, dancing around him.

"Its okay, Bikky, you're not dead, I promise. I'm here because you're not dead, actually." Jude said quickly, holding his hands up, light palms outward.

Now all three of them were busting out their dorkiest dance moves.

"So why am I dreaming? Or Remembering, or whatever! And why do I know I'm doing it! That's not supposed to happen!"

"You're unconscious, sport. That's all." Jude's eyes shifted slightly, and Bikky's narrowed. That was only a half truth.

"That's not all." Bikky accused coldly, hands fisting at his sides. "I want to wake up!"

"You can't, not yet. You're body needs to rest. So does your mind. That's why you're sort of... spirit dreaming. To let your mind rest. Dee asked me to look after you. He doesn't want you to be frightened... he's praying very hard on your behalf." Jude's green eyes watched him, and Bikky wanted to punch the empathy right out of him.

"I'd be worried, but Dee prays if the wind changes direction." Bikky snorted. He _was_ worried though, very worried. What was that thudding impact he remembered? Cal screaming? What the hell had happened?

Bikky glanced to the kitchen again. The music had stopped, neither Dee nor Ryo, nor his second-self were there any longer. The table was back in place, as were the rugs. The boy sighed deeply and turned away.

"Why are we here?"

"You tell me, its your memory, I'm just tagging along." Jude smiled. "Maybe because this is home? Maybe it makes you feel better?"

"Maybe." He glanced around the living room. The sun had been setting a moment ago, now though, as he turned fully to the windows on the opposite side of the room, it was full dark. Bikky's second-self, his memory of himself, he supposed, was laying on the floor in a sleeping bag, on his stomach. Cal was right beside him, also on her stomach. Both of them had their head's pillowed on their arms, facing each other. Their elbows not quite touching.

_"My aunt doesn't like me having sleep overs any more, not with you. I had to really beg to get her to let me."_ Cal half whispered, making a token gesture at being quiet.

_"Why not? That's stupid! She lets you have Keisha over."_ Bikky's second-self snorted, rolling his eyes. Bikky's current-self knew though, and knew that he had known at the time. They were getting too old. He had heard Ryo talking about that to Dee in hushed voices as they had gotten ready for bed.

_"Are you sure we should let them still have slumber parties... I mean, we know how they feel about each other." _

_"They won't fool around. Maybe if there was some actual privacy... but there isn't. We'd hear them. They hear us."_

_"They hear us! Dee!"_

_"Relax, it won't warp them. Christ, its not like we're having bondage orgies."_

_"But Dee!"_

_"Okay, so we'll stop having sex."_

_"Well... uh..."_

_"That's what I thought. Besides, if they're going to fool around, its not like they're going to have a hard time finding a time or place to do it. Not with our hours. Cal's aunt isn't around too much more than we are. Relax."_

Bikky smirked to himself. Yeah, he called Dee the pervert, but Ryo wasn't the choir boy he liked to pretend to be. Dee was right though, it was just sex. Bikky usual just put on his headphones, just glad they were together.

_"Well, cuz, like, you're a guy. She thinks we'll do stuff."_ Cal shrugged, shifting a little in her own sleeping bag as Bikky returned his attention to the living memory.

_"Yeah, but we won't. Not 'til your eighteen."_ Not that he didn't want to do stuff. He wanted to do all kinds of 'stuff'. Of course, the only 'stuff' he was doing was with himself, and he really had only just sorted all that out.

_"That's what I said. She doesn't believe me."_ There was a long pause. _"Do you think I'm stupid, wanting to wait that long?"_

_"No. I mean, it makes sense, to not... not have... you know."_ Bikky's second-self cleared his throat, shifting a bit, trying to make things under the sleeping bag more comfortable, thoughts of 'you know' have the predictable effect. Not that he wasn't thinking about 'you know' in some way every other waking moment.

_"Yeah..."_

A rhythmic thump-and-squeek could be heard from the next room in the silence, and Bikky's second-self buried his face in his arms, blushing hotly.

_"Oh my god! They're so retarded!"_

_"Retarded for each other. Maybe we should play video games or something?" _Cal laughed, after all, it wasn't her parents having sex, and she seemed to feel more like Dee and Ryo

were elder siblings, not parents.

_"Right."_ Bikky watched himself roll over twice, and turn on the TV and game system, careful to stay in his sleeping bag.

"You care about her a lot, don't you?" Jude too had been watching the exchange.

"What's it to you? Do you ever stop with the damnhellass questions?" Bikky snapped. They had started to play a racing game, one with a constant soundtrack.

"Nope. Sorry." Jude didn't sound sorry.

"Whatever." Bikky rolled his eyes. He remembered he let Cal win this round. "You're worse than Ryo."

"Somehow, I don't find that offensive." He chuckled and shrugged. In the next room, the thumping had grown louder.

_"Oh my god! What are they, hanging pictures!"_ Cal laughed, turning up the volume a bit on the video game.

_"I wish!"_

"You must be lame than too." Bikky crossed his arms, turning away for a moment, hugging himself. It had been nice to be home at first, but as he watched life, even if it was past life, move on without being able to participate, it started to scare him. He didn't want to watch his family, he wanted to be with them!

"Dee is with you right now..." Jude offered tentatively. "I can show you what he's doing, you won't be able to talk to him either though. It will feel really weird. But if it will help..." The man seemed unsure.

"Yes. I want to see him. Now." Bikky replied immediately. He would have preferred Ryo, not for the reason that Dee though, that Bikky loved him any less, but because Ryo was the comforter, the one you went to when it hurt on the inside, or when you were confused-scared. Dee was who you went to when you wanted something fixed or acted on, or when you were actually afraid of something. The protector. Bikky wanted to be comforted.

"Alright..." Jude seemed hesitant, "Close your eyes."

Bikky closed his eyes, hugging himself still. There was a sensation of weightlessness, of floating for long moments, then a downward tug. There was a snap, like when his locked his padlock at school. A weight settled on him, almost like the lead smocks they put over his chest when he got X-rays at the dentist, only heavier, and all over. He couldn't move anything. The Darkness cleared, and he was looking straight up at a blank ceiling. There was a hazy redness to his vision. He tried to look around, but found he could not.

Soft guitar chords were coming from near by, an acoustic. Very near by, as though someone were playing just inches from his head. Bikky recognized the tune. It was by 'Live'.

_"I don't need no one, to tell me 'bout heaven. I look in my son, and I believe. I don't need no proof, when it comes to God and truth, I can see the sunset, and I perceive."_ Dee's baritone rolled smoothly, softly, over him.It was Dee playing his acoustic. His 'mistress' as he called it. It came out of its case after dinner sometimes, when Dee went out on the fire escape to smoke. He never actually played _for_ Ryo and Bikky, but Bikky would sit down on the couch with Ryo, listening, the TV turned on mute. They would turn the sound back on as soon as Dee stopped. Dee was playing for him now though.

_"Sit with them all night, everything they say is right, but in the morning they were wrong. I'll be right by your side. Come hell or water high. Down any road you chose to roam. I'll believe it, when I see it for myself. I don't need no one, to tell me about heaven. I look in my son, and I believe. I don't need no proof, when it comes to God and truth. I see the sun set and I perceive..."_

Not just for him, Bikky realized. Dee was playing **_to_** him. Changing the words to fit, it was supposed to be 'I don't need no one to tell me about heaven, I look at my **_daughter_** and I believe.'. Bikky was positive of that. He knew the song pretty well.

_"I believe... yeah..."_ Dee finished the song, letting his voice trail off, playing the main rifts of the song a couple more times, before he stopped. There was a deep sigh to Bikky's right, the gently, melodic plunk of the guitar being set aside, the creak of a chair, then suddenly Dee was in his line of sight, looking down at him.

"Bikky!" There was total surprise in Dee's face, a relief. It only lasted a moment though, and then Dee sighed again. "The doctors said that might happen. Ah well." Dee's face looked... haggard, if that was possible. He looked all of his thirty years, instead of the constant early twenties he usually looked. There were dark smudges under his eyes, a faint evidence of lines around his mouth.

_The doctors said what might happen?_ Bikky tried to say. He thought it, clear as anything, but there wasn't even the sensation of a muscle twitch in his face. A moment later though, there was a light touch of rough fingers against his cheek.

"Its okay tiger, your dad will be back soon. He's just getting fresh air. We love you. Just hang in there, okay?" Dee smiled, or made an attempt at one. It hardly got off the launch pad before dying though.

Bikky wanted to focus on Dee, actually meet his eyes, but he couldn't. Dee leaned down close, and went all blurry. He felt a brush of lips over his forehead. The weight that lay on him, seemed to increase, and darkness started to hedge at the edge of Bikky's vision.

_No, wait, stop! I don't want to go!_ He thought frantically. Something was wrong, so very wrong. He had never seen Dee looked worried, not ever. Not even when Dee was shot, and lowering Bikky out a second story window of a building on the verge of exploding.

_"Its okay Bikky, its time. You're mind and body need to rest."_ Jude's gentle voice called from somewhere near by.

The blackness deepened, and Dee disappeared entirely from his vision, and Bikky felt like he were falling.

_"I love you, Bikky. We're both here for you."_ That was Dee's voice, now sounding faint and echoey as if he were calling down a well. Then there was nothing for a long time.

Author's Note: The songs used are 'You Spin Me Right Round' by Dead or Alive, 'Crash' by Dave Matthew's Band, and 'Heaven' by Live. I hope this chapter doesn't feel too random. I'm always a little nervous about these 'dream sequences'. I do have the next chapter about half finished, but I make no promises, because when I do I usually end up not keeping them ; Thanks for sticking with me.


	10. Tower of Babble

**Disclaimer: Fake and all characters relating to Fake are not my intellectually property, I just borrow them. All new characters are the sole property of me and cannot be used in anyway with out my expressed written consent. Don't sue, I'm poor.**

Redefining Heaven

Chapter Ten: Tower of Babble

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situations

"Was there any change?" Ryo asked, stepping back in after being out for about two hours. He was carrying Starbucks and bagels, breakfast food, even though it was going on ten at night. Dee didn't care. He couldn't even remember what day it was. He had taken a break himself early that morning, Bikky's third day in the hospital. He had gone home and gotten his guitar, showered, then stalled out in the living room for a good twenty minutes. He didn't cry. Just sort of stopped, like a wind up toy that needed to be wound.

"He opened his eyes-"

Ryo gasped, and took two fast steps forward to look into Bikky's face. There was nothing to see, nothing new anyway.

"-but there wasn't anyone home. Just like the doctors said. His eyes didn't move even. They didn't even focus. Just a muscle twitch." Dee finished with a sigh. He tried to get himself to move from his chair, to go over to Ryo, put his arms around him. He just couldn't summon the will though.

"Goddamnit!" Ryo spat, setting the food and coffee down, and giving the recently acquired second chair a kick. "Are you sure?"

"I know I'm dumb, but Jesus Ryo, a little credit?"

"I didn't say you were dumb!" Ryo snapped back, turning to glare at Dee. "Did you call a nurse or anything?"

"I didn't have a chance. It lasted... maybe thirty seconds. Trust me. I wanted it to be more as much as you do... but it wasn't, just a stupid fucking reflex, okay?" Dee rubbed at his temples. The unity he and Ryo had started this venture with had faded sometime that morning. He knew he should reach out, try and bridge the gap and fix things. they were both just so tired and worried. But he just couldn't.

"You're not a doctor, Dee! You're not even a college graduate! I don't think your in a position to make that kind of judgment call!" Ryo 'appartment-shouted', a hiss that suggested he really wanted to be screaming at the top of his lungs, but was sparing any neighbors from their quarrel.

Dee recoiled a little, then looked away sharply. There was a flash of hurt in his eyes, but it was gone in a breath. The detective levered himself to his feet.

"Fine. You're right. What do I know? Not a fucking thing." Dee grabbed his cigarettes from the window sill. "You can sit and watch and see what you see than. I'll just go fuck myself." Dee brushed passed Ryo and out of the room, not looking at his partner.

Ryo watched him go, then smack himself in the forehead.

"Ryo, you idiot!" He hissed at himself. He hadn't been fighting fair, and he knew it. Dee didn't say things he didn't mean, and he didn't understand that sometimes others did. Ryo hadn't meant that. Denial wasn't just a river and Egypt, Ryo wanted Dee to be wrong in this, but he wasn't. Because Dee wasn't stupid, and Ryo trusted his word over anything the doctors said. If Dee said the lights were on, but no one was home... no one was home. Now, he had hurt Dee, and probably quite badly.

"Great. Fucking great. Bikky, your dad is the biggest idiot on the planet. I need a short bus." Ryo looked over to his son, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, leaning down and kissing Bikky's brow, what of it was exposed, as Dee had done minutes ago. "Don't worry, Bikster. I'll apologize to him. It will be okay. We're just tired. You just rest, heal."

Dee stalked outside, his stride stiff, lighting up the moment his foot crossed the threshold. His heart was hammering in his chest, too much coffee, too much worry, not enough sleep. The nicotine wasn't going to make it any better. He was too far gone to exhaustion for smoking to give him the illusion of calm and comfort.

He paced the courtyard, puffing on his cigarette absently, unable to keep still. If he sat down, he'd break down. His strength was holding by a thread, and Ryo wasn't going to comfort him any time soon. Dee didn't blame him. Dee could hardly stand to live in his own skin half the time. Why anyone would have anything to do with him at all, especially someone like Ryo, was more than he could understand. He was dumb. He was uneducated. And, he probably _had_ been wrong. What did he know? He wasn't a doctor. As Ryo had reminded him, he didn't even have his Bachelors. Just a goddamned Associates.

"You're an idiot Laytner." He hissed at himself, lighting up another smoke, the first gone way too fast. "There are chimps brighter than you!" Dee told himself in an agitated whisper. The diatribe at himself went on, even after he had fallen back to silent pacing. Reminding himself of every negative aspect of everything he had ever done in his entire life. And it was so much worse knowing Ryo agreed. If he worked hard enough at it, he was pretty sure he could figure out how World War One could some how also be his fault.

Dee smoked three cigarettes in quick succession, adding that to his list of Thing That Made Him a Horrible Person, before going back inside. Slinking back inside, actually. He stopped when he reached the door to Bikky's room, hesitantly poking his head inside, wondering how mad Ryo was at him, if he would be told to leave.

Ryo was just sitting quietly besides Bikky, one hand resting lightly over his, his laptop was in his lap and he was reading over some document or another, music playing quietly. Dee tried to creep in, but Ryo heard his sneakers on the hard floor and stood before Dee got to him.

"Ryo, I'm sorry-"

"No." Ryo cut him off, shaking his head "You have _no_ reason to be sorry, this was all me. Dee..." Ryo looked at his partner for a moment, lost. Every now and than communication between them became like trying to express complex ideas across a canyon, with only sun and mirrors. In a way, that's just what it was, Ryo supposed. The canyon being their difference in economic class, education, and extremely different life experiences. Sometimes he wondered how he and Dee communicated at all. At the moment, Dee was looking back at him, just as lost. Ryo opened his mouth to start again. He was so damned sorry for what he said, but it was too late to keep Dee from being hurt, and Dee would never accept his apology, because Dee was sure he was the one in the wrong.

Dee stared at his lover, feeling the gap between them like an actual physical thing. The reason they could communicate enough to have a relationship was because they had, since the day they met, been pulling in the same direction, looking the same way, wanting the same things. Family, stability, to make a difference in a world slowly going to hell. Their politics were similar, their strengths and weaknesses complimenting each other. They were partners before they were lovers. Right now they were pulling different ways in the traces, and unable to get it together and face the same direction again.

The dark haired detective closed his eyes, dropping his head back. _'God, please...'_ he thought. _'God please, give me strength.' _ It had been his life long mantra.

The song on Ryo's computer changed.

_We'll do it all, everything, on our own. We don't need anything, or any one. _

Ryo swallowed. This song was so perfect, just right, a song he and Dee had slow danced to many times, revolving slowly in the kitchen. So true to the both of them. He took a step closer to Dee, singing along hesitantly, knowing he sounded like a croaking toad compared to Dee, but wanting Dee to listen to the words, and understand what Ryo wanted to say.

_"If I lay here, if I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world. I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel. Those three words are said to much, and not enough."_

The look in Ryo's eyes as he did his damnedest to carry a tune knotted Dee's throat. It was cheesy maybe, to sing a song, especially such a popular one, to your lover. It was building a bridge between them though, saying what neither of them had the words to. That they were both so determined to be strong. That sometimes saying 'I love you' wasn't enough, but all they had.

_ If I lay here, if I just lay here. Would you lie with me, and just forget the world. Forget what were told, before we get too old. Show me a garden that's bursting into life. _

Dee took up Ryo's hand and brought it to his shoulder, drawing his partner into his arms, starting to revolve slowly in the tight confines of the hospital room. Ryo came into his arms easily, laying his head on Dee's other shoulder, reaching up with his other hand to caress his dark hair when Dee rested his head against Ryo's own. Dee picked up the next verse, and nearly brought tears to Ryo's eyes.

_ "Lets waste time, chasing cars, around our heads. I need your grace, to remind me, to find my own. If I lay here, if I just lay here. Would you lay with me, and just forget the world." _

They were both tired, stressed to the end of their respective endurance's, and their son wasn't getting better. Almost everything that could go wrong in the world, seemed to have done so in the last seventy two hours, culminating with their little fight.

_Forget what we're told, before we get too old. Show me a garden that's bursting into life. All that I am, all that I ever was, was here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see. _

So they slow danced quietly, reconnecting through the unspoken, the simpler language of touch. Dee felt his hurts soothed, the tight ball of tension and panic he had been so willfully repressing easing a little bit as he hid his face against Ryo's hair. Ryo felt Dee relax a little in his arms, and knew that everything was okay again, at least for a little while.

_I don't where, confused about how as well. Just know that these things will never change for us at all. If I lay here, if I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world._

The song ended, and the men stopped moving, but stayed wrapped in each other. Comforting and drawing comfort. Ryo slid his hand under Dee's shirt, feeling the warmth of his skin as he listened to the constant beat of his heart, sighing softly when Dee's fingers threaded into his hair, cupping the back of his head.

"I'm sorry Dee." Ryo whispered, kissing Dee's neck. "There is no excuse for what I said. I hurt you, and I'm sorry."

"It's okay baby..." There was a pause, then "You didn't mean it...?" It was said half statement, half question, as though it were a foreign concept.

"No, handsome, I didn't mean it. I do that all too often, say things I don't mean." Ryo smiled just a little. Sometimes even _he_ saw what an only child he was.

"Its okay." Dee said again, sounding a little more self assured this time, less injured.

"Its not. But I'm glad you forgive me." Ryo lifted his head to look up at Dee, then went up on his toes a bit. "We'll get through this. Its only been three days. The fact that things haven't gotten worse is a blessing."

Dee kissed him back tenderly, and nodded.

"No infection yet. He's still with us. More then his brain stem is working. We still have our boy." Dee glanced over Ryo's head at the still, mutilated form of Bikky, remembering how hollow those blue eyes had looked, and repressed a shiver.

"What is it that Mother is so fond of saying?" Ryo whispered, pulling away just a bit, so he too could see Bikky, sliding an arm around Dee's waist.

"God never closes a door, without opening a window." That brought a smile to Dee's lips, as Ryo had known it would.

"Now we just have to wait for that window, I guess." Ryo smiled a bit as well, feeling Dee lean into him, and leaning back a little. "Were you playing your guitar for him earlier?"

"Yeah, hopefully that didn't traumatize him any worse than he already is." Dee scoffed, brushing off his talent.

Ryo looked over at him a moment, then turned and bit his shoulder, hard, but not too hard, smiling when Dee jumped

"Hey! What as that for!"

"I'm sick of you talking down about yourself. I swear every time I hear you do it, I'm going to bite you."

"Do I get to pick where?" A bit of a twinkle had come back to Dee's tired eyes.

"No!" Ryo managed a laugh, feeling himself blush, knowing full well where Dee would request him to put his mouth, given the option. "You are such a perve!"

"A _hentai_ even?" Dee smiled wider, using one of the dozen or so words he knew in Japanese, Ryo had called him it enough times that he had eventually looked it up.

"Yes!"

"You love it and you know it."

Ryo sighed softly, relaxing a little more himself. It was okay, they were okay, they would get through all this, and they would get Bikky through it.

"I know no such thing!" Ryo managed a mock indignation.

"How do you say 'I'm retarded for you' in Japanese?" Dee asked, sliding a hand down to give Ryo's arse a friendly grope.

"It sounds a lot like 'keep your hands off me'."

"Liar."

"Sometimes... I say things I don't mean." Ryo smiled, looking up at his partner.

"Like 'stop doing that, I'm asleep'?" Dee teased, kissing Ryo's hair before moving to sit on the edge of Bikky's bed, taking his least bandaged hand.

"Exactly, or 'I don't think you should be doing that with the silk tie Elena gave me for christmas'."

"So, when you say 'Dee, stop making photocopies of your ass' you mean...?"

"I mean 'Dee, stop taking photocopies of your ass'." Ryo laughed, hugging Dee from behind, resting his head against Dee's back.

The both fell quiet for a bit, simply watching Bikky, each thinking their own thoughts. They had survived one more day of their season in hell intact, and both of them the stronger for it.

Author's Note: Hmm, well I hope this chapter wasn't too stagnant. I figured we needed to see them struggle just a little bit more before things start to look up. No relationship is perfect after all. Hope I didn't bore anyone, thanks for reading! Oh yeah, and the song is 'Chasing Cars' by Snowpatrol, if anyone actually didn't know that.


	11. Rest for the Weary

Disclaimer: Fake and all characters relating to Fake are not my intellectually property, I just borrow them. All new characters are the sole property of me and cannot be used in anyway with out my expressed written consent. Don't sue, I'm poor.

Redefining Heaven

Chapter Eleven: Rest for the Weary

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situations

Ryo sighed deeply, watching the pale form of his son. After a week in ICU, two days ago Bikky had gone back into surgery to replace the piece of his skull they'd had to remove and been keeping alive in his abdomen. They had also removed the shunt from his lung and had re-inflated it. According to his doctors, the surgery couldn't have gone better, but all Ryo could think of was that Bikky's color had gotten worse after that. The doctors swore up and down he was improving, not getting worse, but Ryo wasn't sure he believed that. They had moved Bikky out of ICU and improved his condition to stable but serious. They had even started weaning him off the medications they were using to be sure that he stayed in the coma he was in. The doctors said they weren't sure how long it would take him to wake. It may not have been just the medication keeping him from waking. They would know more in the next few days, the doctors said, once they saw how he responded off the medication.

A physical therapist came in twice a day, moving and manipulating Bikky's stump, to keep the muscles flexible and strong. She moved his shoulders and hips too, but that was about all she could do, as his remaining leg was in a cast above the knee, and one arm was in cast almost to his armpit. The other arm was in an open splint to allow for I.V.s. Dr. Kerry had poked his head in several times, both in ICU and now in their current room. Ryo liked him best of all Bikky's doctors. He was younger and had a better bedside manner. Dr. Kerry promised once Bikky was awake he'd be working with them a lot more to get Bikky walking.

Assuming Bikky woke at all.

Ryo wasn't doing very well himself. Dee had gone into work not long after Bikky had come out of surgery. It was supposed to have been just one shift. Just one. He'd been gone over twenty-four hours now. There had been a major murder/kidnapping and the chief flat out refused to let him leave. Dee had been allowed, like all the other detectives, a few hours of sleep in the crib, but that was it. As Dee had put it: _"I need to file a formal request to take a piss."_ That had been a terrible conversation, when Dee had called him to tell him.

_"Babe… they won't let me leave," Dee's voice was some combination of exhaustion, anxiety and anger. _

_"What? They can't do that!" Ryo replied indignantly, gripping his phone tighter. _

_"Of course they can't technically make me," Dee sighed. There were laws. But like every other job on the planet, what it came down to was you only had as many rights as your boss gave you and if you demanded more it was your job. Especially as a cop. Especially as a cop like Dee._

_"I need you here Dee!" Ryo's voice went a bit squeaky and he cleared his throat. "I can't do this alone," he said more calmly._

_"You know I want to be there. If I could without being demoted to traffic cop, I would. I'm doing everything I can to get back to you two as soon as I can." Dee's voice was tight too. Ryo gritted his teeth, he needed to just grin and bear it. It had to be just as bad for Dee to not be there as it was for Ryo not to have him there._

_"Alright, okay… please though, Dee… as soon as you can," Ryo relented._

_"I swear it baby, as soon as I can," Dee was quiet a long moment, and Ryo wondered with a certain amount of shock, if Dee was crying. "I love you," he whispered finally._

_"I love you too, Dee, I love you too. This isn't your fault. Just be careful." Ryo whispered back, nuzzling against the phone, as though he could feel Dee through the line. _

_"Always am, babe, got to go,"_

And with a click he'd been gone. That had been almost twenty-four hours ago. Dee's other calls had been very short and to the point, and Ryo was under the impression he was having to steal those few minutes, as most the time his voice was half whisper, and had the echo of the men's room.

_"How is he baby?... Are you doing okay?... I love you." _ That was usually all. Sometimes if Ryo managed to get a word in to ask Dee how _he_ was, Dee would simply answer that he was okay, and he had to go. Ryo was angry and frustrated with no outlet. Bikky was so still and so pale, and his lover wasn't here.

Ryo brushed angrily at the tear or two that slipped down his cheek. There was no point in crying; it wouldn't help anything at all. All it would do was make his eyes red and puffy and his face all blotchy, and earn him some pitying looks from the nurses that were forever in and out.

The only saving grace to the entire situation was that Bikky had a private room, with a little roll away bed against one wall, and a softer chair next to the bed. The bathroom was shared between his room and the room next door, but had a full shower. It made practically living at the hospital far easier.

The week in ICU had been horrible, the tension of the situation, and in the entire week there, they had never gotten a second chair. Dee had tried to beg, borrow, and steal and none of it had worked, so they took turns sitting, standing and sitting together in the one chair. They had taken turns going out to the waiting room to sleep on the padded bench and had done all their washing in the sinks of the men's room. Every other day or so, one of them had given up and gone back to the apartment for a few hours to have a real shower and to sleep in their bed. Never together though. One of them was always with Bikky.

All in all their physical situation was vastly improved. Ryo just wished he was as confident as the doctors that Bikky was getting better. To Ryo it just didn't look like it and he wanted Dee's opinion. Dee had worked his way through getting his Associates by working nights as an EMT. That had been years ago, of course, but Dee retained every bit of what he had learned in those two years.

A throat cleared from the doorway, and Ryo looked up to see familiar too-red hair. Dr. Kerry offered him a small smile.

"Mr. McLean, how are you? The nurses say Mr. Laytner hasn't been here in over a day. Is everything okay?" Dr. Kerry stepped into the room, but didn't presume to come in much further than a step or two.

"Oh, he went into work. We're cops. He kinda got stuck there. I'm sure you know how it is, an emergency comes up and you work 'til you're done regardless of any sort of a schedule," Ryo smiled wanly.

"Yeah, I know exactly how that is. Do you mind if I come in and give Bikky a look over?" Dr. Kerry asked. It was a formality; Kerry could pretty much come and go from the room as he pleased, like the nurses and all other hospital staff. Ryo could tell he was trying very hard to give Ryo some peace of mind.

"Of course, please do!" Ryo stood, moving out of Kerry's way. "I'm sure you have a full schedule. Dee and I both appreciate what time you've taken to look in on Bikky when you can. You're bedside manner is significantly better then any of his other doctors."

"I appreciate the compliment," Kerry smiled, moving over to the bed. He looked over the clipboard of Bikky's vitals. "He seems a bit paler than he's been, doesn't he?" Kerry frowned. He lifted Bikky's eyelids to peer into his eyes, feeling carefully along his neck and shoulders and along his jaw. "Have they been trying any response tests?"

"No… no, they've just been going over the basics, telling me he's doing as well as can be expected, and walking out. Is something wrong?" Ryo swallowed hard.

"No, no… not like you're thinking anyway," Kerry moved down by Bikky's remaining foot, that leg still in a cast and in traction, just his toes showing. He took a safety pin out of his pocket and gave Bikky's foot a careful poke. When there was no reaction, Kerry tried it again, harder this time. Then suddenly, Bikky's toes curled. Ryo gasped, startled and relieved. Kerry smiled at Ryo. "That's a good sign, Mr. McLean." He moved back up closer to Bikky's head, trying the same gentle pricks on his fingers. Not only did his fingers twitch, his hand actually fisted, as much as the cast allowed. Ryo made a small sound, holding Bikky's other hand tightly, swallowing hard. It was the most life they'd seen out of him since the day he'd been hit.

"Oh Bikky, sweetheart," Ryo whispered, touching his face.

"His responses are very good, Mr. McLean. Watch his face."

The bruises and swelling of his face had gone down. There were still stitches over one side of his face where they'd had to reconstruct a part of his cheekbone, but as far as Ryo could see so far, his face looked mostly the same. Ryo cupped Bikky's cheek gently, watching his face intently, as Kerry pricked one of Bikky's fingers. Ryo gasped once again as Bikky's face twitched, almost a grimace.

"What does that mean, Doctor?" Ryo asked, caressing Bikky's least bruised cheek tenderly. "I mean, this is good right?"

"Very good. He isn't a vegetable. I'd even hazard that he is starting to come out of his coma. It will take days, maybe even over a week, but it's a good sign," the doctor smiled. "Now, if you'd watch his face for me, I'm going to try some things, if he grimace again, let me know."

Ryo watched Bikky closely as Dr. Kerry ran his hands over Bikky, feeling and pressing very carefully on various places over Bikky's body, general near injury sites. Bikky's face twitched again as Dr. Kerry gently touched his head, and another time when he touched along the suture line that Ryo know ran along Bikky's torso under his paper gown.

"Mr. McLean, I think the reason he's lost some color and has an elevated heart rate is because he is in pain," the doctor paused to check the clipboard again as Ryo chewed his lip. "They've been reducing his medications significantly, trying to bring him out of the coma, but I think they've dropped his pain medications too low. He's growing more aware, and he's feeling pain. Needless to say, there's a lot to hurt. Some areas seem to be particularly tender. I'm going to get them to switch his medication to something that will probably be more effective in lower doses."

"Oh, Dr. Kerry, thank you so much! No one's bothered to do any of that! Whenever I tell them I think something's wrong they brush me off. I hate to think that he's in pain… but…" Ryo cleared his throat looking down.

"But it means he's feeling something," Kerry nodded sympathetically. "I know. Can I offer you a little advice, Mr. McLean? Go home," he said softly. "I know you want to be with him every moment, because your afraid of what will happen if you leave him alone. You and your partner are worn thin though. When he wakes, he's going to need you both to be a hundred percent. When your partner gets off work, go home. Sleep in your own bed. Sleep in. Come back in the morning."

"Dr. Kerry, I appreciate your advice, but I don't—" Ryo started

"I know, I know you don't. But you need to. Think about it, okay? Especially considering Mr. Laytner has been working for the last day or more. Think about it." Dr. Kerry gave Ryo's shoulder a pat, then left the room again, leaving Ryo alone to mull over that advice.

Ryo's phone rang again a couple hours later, and he flipped it open without a thought, assuming it was Dee, he couldn't imagine who else would be calling him. "Hello?"

"Ryo, sweetheart, how are you?" Ryo's aunt Elena's voice came across the line, full of concern and pity. Ryo actually jumped a little with surprise, as her voice was as opposite Dee's as humanly possible, not just masculine to feminine, but her pronunciation and enunciation were immaculate. Dee, as a life-long New Yorker, tended to omit his 'r's at times, or over emphasize them. And that was just for starters.

"Ah, Elena, hello… I'm sorry, I was expecting Dee," Ryo said trying to explain his long pause and obvious confusion.

"He isn't with you?" Elena asked, her disapproval clear. Ryo almost considered hanging up on her, just for a second. Elena and Dee did _not_ get along. His aunt had handled the whole "I'm gay" announcement, it was Dee she flipped out about. Ryo loved his aunt, but he was in no mood to deal with her Dee-bashing.

"No, he went in to work. Some folks have to do that, you know," Ryo said the last part in a mutter. Ryo's dad's side of the family was money, old money at that. Really, Ryo could have lived a fairly comfortable life without having to work with the trust fund his parents left him. Elena had retired several years ago from her journalism career, which like Ryo, she had worked simply for love of the job. Since then, she'd become a bit snobby. If Dee had been with him, she would have asked why he wasn't at work, the implication he was freeloading off Ryo. Since he was at work though, she implied that he'd abandoned them. "We're trying to carve out some kind of routine here," he added quickly before she could respond to what he'd said under his breath.

"Oh, of course dear. How is Bikky doing?" She was genuinely concerned, and it showed. "Should I come down?"

"No, no, that's okay, Elena, we're managing. I don't know that there is anything you could do anyway. It's just a waiting game right now. Dr. Kerry was just in, and he thinks that Bikky is starting to come around a bit, which is really good news," Ryo pinched the bridge of his nose a bit. He just really didn't want to talk to her right now.

"Oh that is good news, poor thing, he was so active," Elena clucked.

"Well, hopefully by this time next year he'll be back to his active self. He's young, his doctors are saying that he should be able to adapt to a prosthetic almost completely, if he puts his mind to it, and I'm sure he will." Ryo glanced at his son and sighed softly. He was not looking forward to the moment when Bikky realized all that had happened to him, and the implications.

"That's good to hear, dear. Are you doing okay? Are you sure you don't want me to come down? Frank and I are so worried for you. You sound exhausted."

"I am exhausted, but really, I think we're doing okay. We don't really have room to put you up or anything, especially since Dee moved in," Ryo regretted saying that the moment it was out of his mouth, and cringed.

"Oh, I didn't realize he'd moved in already,"

"I told you six months ago that I was going to ask him to. His lease ran out just a few weeks ago. I told you a couple weeks before he moved in that he'd accepted and would be doing just that. What did you think I mean by 'aunt Elena, Dee's moving in with Bikky and me,'?" Ryo tried to be nice. Elena was just trying to look out for him, her intentions were good, they really, really were.

"Of course, dear, I just didn't know exactly when. I thought maybe you'd put things on hold with all that's happened."

Ryo almost pounded his head against the wall, reminding himself repeatedly that he loved his aunt, that she really did mean well, and that eventually she'd see how wonderful Dee really was, she just didn't know him very well. "Well, he moved in well before this had all happened. Listen Elena, I'd better let you go, I'm expecting the physical therapist any minute here," it was a total lie.

"Okay, sweetheart. You just take care of yourself, okay? Call if you need anything at all. Frank and I are thinking about you," Elena replied.

"Thank you, aunty, I will. Talk to you soon." He hung up quickly before it could become a Minnesota goodbye, clicking his phone shut with a snap and giving it a dark look before tossing it into his bag.

Ryo stood and looked down at Bikky, caressing his face. "Hang in there, sport, we love you," he said softly, hoping whatever pain Bikky was in was being managed effectively now that Dr. Kerry had stepped in.

After talking to Bikky more directly, most of it senseless chatter, for a while, Ryo went to the bathroom and washed up a bit, wondering when Dee would be back, and hoping it would be soon.

Dinnertime came and went, making Dee's absence, and therefore time at work, at thirty hours. Not that Ryo was counting. He finally turned off the lights, accept for the bathroom light, and settled on the narrow cot. He made some headway in his current novel, some fiction fantasy epic, before gave up and dog-eared the page.

Ryo didn't remember falling asleep, the last thing he remembered was staring at his phone as the minutes slowly ticked by. That had been around eleven. He woke with a start, looking around him, unsure what it was that had dragged him back from sleep. The room was quiet, accept for the blip and whirr of the machines around Bikky. Then he felt something nudge his hip.

"Dee?"

Dee was sitting on the floor, of all places, arms folded on the edge of the cot, pillowing his head, and he was fast asleep. He was still wearing his holster, his boots, and his tie. He didn't so much as stir when Ryo said his name.

"Oh Dee," Ryo murmured, caressing his dark hair. Dr. Kerry was right. They needed to go home. Ryo smoothed Dee's hair back from his face and caressed his cheek. "Dee, wake up baby, you can't sleep like that."

"If I can't why am I?" Dee mumbled with sleepy logic. Ryo sighed to himself, wondering if Dee ever truly slept at all. He could have sworn Dee was dead to the world, yet, he'd come back almost instantly with a coherent response.

"You can't sleep like that an expect to be able to move tomorrow," Ryo amended, sitting up himself, rubbing Dee's shoulders. "You probably can't move already. When did you get back?"

"'round one," Dee said, still not opening his eyes, or showing any signs of moving.

"Christ, Dee, thirty-six hours? I'm going to take the stick out of Rose's ass and cram it down his throat," Ryo growled, trying to get Dee to lift his head. Dee obeyed slowly, straightening up a little bit, opening his eyes.

"That's disgusting, baby. Sodomy one-oh-one, if it's been up your ass… don't put it anywhere," Dee smiled a little.

"Yes, well, I'd know nothing of that," Ryo said primly. "But, that was rather the point. It's painful and disgusting."

"How's the kid?" Dee asked, as he apparently gave up sitting all together and just sprawled out on the floor. Ryo sighed, but supposed that if you were going to lay on the floor, a hospital floor was going to be your cleanest option. Ryo laid back down himself, peering over the side of the cot, rubbing Dee's chest as they spoke.

"Better, I think. Dr. Kerry came in. Bikky's been looking so gray since his last surgery. The doctor's have been just bull shitting me. But, Dr. Kerry came in and looked him over, and he said that Bikky was probably more conscious, and because of that was starting to feel some of the pain, because of the lower medication levels and the whatnot." Ryo said, working the knot on Dee's tie with one hand, then buttoning the top couple buttons of his shirt.

"Okay, I know you're already using small words, but I'm really tired, can you dumb it down a notch?" Dee sighed.

"Bikky's doing better physically, but is in more pain. So, it's a coin toss. Dr. Kerry said he would adjust whatever the hell they've got him on. I haven't seen much of a change but," Ryo shrugged. "That's the thing about pain, once it sets in, it takes a while to get it under control again."

"True that," Dee kind of nodded. "I thought he looked a little better when I came in, but it's pretty dark in here."

"Listen, Dee," Ryo said softly, tracing the line of Dee's collarbone with his fingers. It wasn't an act of seduction, just intimacy. "I think we should go home. It's just one night. We can go home, sleep in our bed, and eat real food… Especially since you've been at work for almost two days straight."

"I'm fine, baby, I—"

"You're laying on the floor, Dee," Ryo cut him off, exasperated. "You fell asleep sitting up. Besides, I've been thinking about it… I want to go home too. I…" he paused, as he got a little choked up, and cleared his throat. "I want to sleep with you. Not play twister on a hide-a-bed. I want to actually feel your skin. Besides I'm sick of that Evangelical night nurse giving us the death glare."

"But Bikky—"

"Isn't going to wake up while we're gone."

Dee was quiet a moment, then he sighed. "Okay baby, you're right,"

"Of course I am," Ryo nodded, and sat up again, carefully stepping over Dee's prone form. He had packed what few things they had here at the hospital, and although he was technically in his pajamas, flannel pants and a sweatshirt wouldn't get him arrested for illegal exposure, so Ryo just pulled on his shoes, then started the process of getting Dee up off the floor. Ryo had to really throw his weight into it to give Dee enough of an anchor to pull himself to his feet, every joint cracking or creaking.

"Just when the hell did I get old?" Dee grumbled, rubbing his face.

"It's not the years, it's the mileage," Ryo said, smiling a little. It was an Indiana Jones quote. A family favorite.

"Tell me about it."

Dee took a moment with Bikky, a long moment, and Ryo could sense how reluctant he was to leave, especially since he'd already been away for so long. It was a matter of priorities though, and they needed a night at home. Finally Dee was ready, and Ryo shouldered their overnight bag, wrapping his arm around Dee's waist as they walked out.

Author's Note: So, here you are. I hope you enjoy. Thank you to all my loyal readers who hang on with me through my long dry spells. Keep an eye on my blog, too, for possible sexy sidetracks.


	12. Keep Breathing

Disclaimer: Fake and all characters relating to Fake are not my intellectually property, I just borrow them. All new characters are the sole property of me and cannot be used in anyway with out my expressed written consent. Don't sue, I'm poor.

Redefining Heaven

Chapter Twelve: Keep Breathing

By: Irish

Rated R

Warnings: Explicit Language, graphic violence, adult situation

"Dee," Ryo couldn't help but moan, as Dee's lips nipped along his neck. How long had it been since they'd last made love? Two weeks or so? Not that long as things went, certainly they'd gone longer without, but sex had always been a way they could connect. There were no words needed and for as often as other forms of communication failed them, this was how they could rebuild, reconnect. There was a gay columnist that Ryo read frequently who said it was important to have sex, often, regardless of anything else, because if you associated your lover's face with orgasmic pleasure, you were less like to punch him in the face when you got mad at him. More then a way to remind himself how much he loved Dee, though, it was an absolute imperative for Dee's mental health. Dee needed sex to connect with his emotions, to express love and find a way to accept comfort, he needed to make love to believe that love was there, to be able to see it and feel it. So it was no surprise that as soon as he'd slept enough to stay awake, he'd initiated sex.

Not that Ryo was complaining.

"Baby," Dee whispered back, warm breath washing over Ryo's skin. Dee paused a moment, pressing his face at the juncture of Ryo's neck and shoulder, his hands skating up Ryo's ribs, then slid them under Ryo, hugging him tightly, pressed skin-to-skin along every inch of him. Ryo frowned at the pause in foreplay, wrapping his arms around Dee.

"What is it?" he asked softly, trailing his fingers along Dee's spine and up into his hair. "What's wrong?" Of course, everything was wrong. Dee just shook his head though and took a deep breath against Ryo's skin, before lifting his head again to kiss along Ryo's collarbone. Ryo combed both hands through Dee's hair, pausing to tug at it gently, just the way Dee liked, and was rewarded with a shudder. Ryo groaned again a moment later as Dee's fingers found one of his sensitive nipples. "Like that, yes…" Ryo gasped softly, wanting to encourage his lover, unsure what that moment of hesitation had been before. Besides, Dee made it very difficult to remain quiet.

When that same hand started to trail lower a few moments later, though, it was Ryo who paused, frowning again. "Dee?" He reached down and captured his lover's hand from off his thigh, holding it in his own for a moment, it was shaking, trembling, and not with anticipation or arousal, they hadn't been doing anything that would have Dee that worked up. It took handcuffs and ice to get that kind of a reaction from Dee.

The darker detective remained silent, though his dropped his forehead against the center of Ryo's chest, trying to free his hand from Ryo's feebly, seeming to not want to be caught in his weakness.

"Oh baby," Ryo wrapped his arms around his lover and hugged him close again. "It's okay, hmm?" he tried to sooth. After another few seconds though, Dee seemed to gather himself up a bit, trying to start again. They were never going to get anywhere at this rate though. Ryo wasn't sure he could stay focused on being aroused if Dee kept having to stop to shore himself up enough to keep going. The ramifications of that seemed utterly disastrous, with Dee already so seemingly fragile.

Ryo was often not very good at knowing how to take care of Dee. He didn't communicate his needs verbally, often completely denying them, and having all kinds of random hang-ups and lines in the sand. Ryo was learning though, and the answer to this seemed obvious. Dee was at the absolute end of his ability to cope, and he needed this physical intimacy, but those two things were working against each other. Ryo was pretty sure he could handle taking charge of their lovemaking, a simple fix for a complex problem.

"Wait, handsome," Ryo whispered. "Here, sit up, hmm?" he reached down, caressing Dee's cheek. "Sit up."

When Dee complied, slowly, Ryo shifted too, moving to straddle his lap. He paused a moment longer to reach over and push open the curtains, so sunshine flooded the room. Dee was watching him with veiled eyes, waiting patience for Ryo's attentions to return to him. Warm sun bathing them, Ryo settled himself against Dee again, wrapping his arms around him, and leaning down to take his mouth, kissing him deeply. Dee responded like a man dying of thirst, kissing Ryo back with an aching intensity, his arms settling around Ryo's waist, just holding him, and holding onto him.

_That's it baby,_ Ryo thought, _let me take care of you, let me try and make it better._ Ryo caressed his hands across Dee's shoulders, then down his chest, working on touching every inch of him. Dee made a tiny little sound of need against Ryo's mouth, the first sound Ryo had gotten out of him yet.

The foreplay was slow, long kisses and tender caresses, with no real words spoken, just soft sounds and changes of breath. Ryo made sure to focus on Dee, and not let Dee distract him with pleasure. Their positioning was ideal, as it made it difficult for Dee to take charge of things, as he tended to do. Ryo had the height advantage in this position, allowing him to hold and shelter Dee. For once, Dee seemed to mostly just sit back and accept it, more passive in their coupling.

There was a change as Ryo took Dee inside him, a sudden spike in desire and need for both of them. Ryo found Dee's hand and brought it between them, guiding his strokes. His free hand gripped the headboard for leverage and Dee's other hand gripped his hip.

The tempo was quick and a little uneven. Dee's head dropped back against the headboard with an unnoticed and indelicate thunk, his breathing ragged, panting tensely. Sweat slicked both of them as Ryo moved on him. Ryo reached his peak first, it was short but pleasant, and though he was finished, he kept moving on Dee. It wasn't much afterwards that Dee stiffened, and then shuddered, gasping his pleasure. Ryo watched his lover closely as he came, running his hands over Dee's chest. The play of emotions in those short moments were like watching a particularly intense display of the northern lights.

Dee's breath remained rough even after he finished, nor did he lift his head from the headboard, instead his eyes remained shut tightly, head back.

"Dee?" Ryo whispered, touching his cheek. "Open your eyes, love, look at me?" When Dee gave no indication that he'd even heard, Ryo felt his throat fist a little in sympathy. He should have never let Dee keep this all inside for so long. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry."

Ryo paused just long enough to snag a couple tissues from the bedside table and clean things up a little before he slipped his arms under Dee's shoulders, making him lean forward and lay his head against Ryo's shoulder. He hugged Dee close, stroking his hair, rocking him a little as they sat there. Ryo was expecting Dee's typical version of "crying" which involved no tears, not even silent, manly sobs. Normally, Dee just tensed up all over, shook a little, and breathed hard. He'd so trained himself out of crying as a child that, as far as Ryo knew, Dee was no longer capable of tears. So when the first hot tear fell against his bare shoulder, Ryo couldn't for the life of him imagine what it was. When others joined it, and Dee's shoulders started to heave with silent weeping, Ryo's jaw actually dropped from shock.

The fairer detective recovered quickly, though and redoubled his efforts to sooth his lover, holding him tighter, running his fingers through Dee's hair, and rubbing his back. "Oh love, I'm so sorry," Ryo whispered, unsure what to even say, not wanting to try and hush or sooth him, lest Dee take it to mean he should bottle it back up again. More so, he was sorry, sorry that he had let Dee just keep on grinning and bearing it, let Dee play tough guy until he broke under the weight of it. "Go ahead, I've got you, it's just us sweetheart."

Tears didn't come naturally to Dee, and he was a little horrified to be shedding them. It was one thing, when he was alone, and it didn't matter how bad he was at crying, that his grief always came out awkward and stilted. His pillow wasn't one to judge. It was just too much though, the worry and fear for his son, of course… but it was the impotent rage which had no outlet that had brought him to the breaking point.

The department was keeping a very close eye on the investigation into the hit and run that had taken Bikky's leg, and Lord knew what else. That wasn't good enough though. Dee wanted to have the person in arms reach at all times, so every time he had to look at Bikky's distorted face, stump of a leg, and bare scalp with a scar almost as wide as his thumb he could turn to that person and punch him until he felt better. There was no one to sate his rage on though, not even someone in custody so that Dee could console himself that the Arm of the Law would mete out a metaphorical beating on his behalf.

Then there was the fact that they would have to tell Bikky, assuming he ever woke, they would have to look him in the eyes and tell him that he no longer had a right leg. Dee was pretty sure that particular pleasantry would be his. Ryo might be able to manage it, but Dee would be able to just say it, calmly, no matter how he felt on the inside. Ryo would get emotional about it, and they'd have to both be strong in that moment for Bikky. Dee had been trying to prepare himself for that moment, looking Bikky straight in the eyes as he said it, telling the boy in the exact manner Dee would want to be told such news. _It was bad, Bikky. Amputation was the only option if we wanted you to have any chance at really walking again. It's healing well, and as soon as you're other injuries allow, you _will_ walk._ He'd been rehearsing it in his mind since Bikky had come out of his latest surgery and him waking up had been talked about more in whens than in ifs. Assuming he woke up still able to understand what was happening around him.

The rage, the need to hold up a calm and reasonable face, the relentless worry about infection, about whether or not Bikky would still be Bikky when he woke. Dee felt like he had been put through a blender, and then spent every day of the last ten days being rubbed in salt. Every nerve raw and alive and screaming. On the outside, though, he was what he always was, the survivor, tough, so tough.

"I've got you… I love you…." It was all Ryo could think to say, so he said it over and over in a slow refrain, as Dee wept like all that was good in the world had been lost. It felt like hours, though when the tears stopped and Dee had trailed off into exhausted sniffles, the clock said only ten minutes had passed. Leave it to Dee to keep his dramatics reined in to ten minutes or less. Dee finally lifted his head just a little, bringing a hand up to wipe at his face ineffectually.

"Sorry," he rasped, "I didn't mean to fall to pieces." He was clearly embarrassed, ashamed of his weakness and the mess it caused. So much of Dee's energy was devoted to being tough, too tough to be influenced by the world; it was why he didn't cry, why his control in the bedroom was iron clad, why he barely even let physical pain show through. They were all shows of weakness.

"No, don't be sorry, Dee Laytner. You are human, goddamnit; you're allowed to feel. If you can't let go, just a little, around me; who can you let down your defenses around? No, no sorries. I shouldn't have let you keep it all in as long as I did." Ryo snagged a couple tissues for Dee, not sitting back though, giving Dee a chance to clean his face and get himself more under control before he had to actually look Ryo in the eye.

It took Dee a while to gather himself, when he did it was only to politely offer Ryo use of the shower first, which Ryo accepted, swapping out with Dee when he was done. They were very quiet as they moved around the apartment, getting new sets of clean clothes, gathering some food, and replenishing their supplies in general. They hadn't been home even twelve hours, Dee needed more sleep, but neither of them was willing to linger away from Bikky. Dee stopped at the door though, looking at Ryo a long silent moment.

Ryo offered him a small smile, letting a hand rest on his chest. Dee had only said a few words to him since they'd woken up, most of them banalities, carefully avoiding saying anything about his crying spate. Ryo was willing to give him the time he needed, though, it was better not to push Dee about things.

Dee's arms came around his lover slowly, pulling him into a tender embrace. "Thank you, baby, thanks for being there." Dee whispered against Ryo's ear as he held him. Ryo smiled, running his hands over the soft fabric of Dee's t-shirt.

"Hey, what are partners for?" He replied with a soft smile, shifting back a little to go up on his toes and kiss Dee tenderly. "You don't always have to be so tough, Dee. I know you don't believe that yet… but someday…" Ryo caressed his cheek lightly.

"Someday," Dee agreed with a nod. He wasn't at all convinced that the day would ever come, when he could stop having to be so hard all the time, but it was a nice thought.

- O – O – O – O – O –

"What are we going to do when they want to send him home?" Dee asked as they sat side by side on the cot, both leaning back against the wall and watching Bikky as he lay still as statuary. "He won't be ready to be on his own, even once he's physically able to be left to his own devices… assuming he eventually will be, I suspect it's going to be a long time before he's really ready to be left on his own."

"One of us could take a leave of absence, we could work opposite shifts, or we can hire someone." Ryo ticked off their options. "Did I miss anything?"

"I don't think so. I can't afford to take a leave. Opposite shifts would work for Bikky, but we'd never see each other, and I think it would be best if one of us could be with him at first. He'll need us. I can switch to second or third shift." Dee shrugged. "I worked second and third shifts when I worked beat, it won't drive me crazy or anything. But, you know, it's you he'll want home."

Ryo reminded himself that shouting at Dee rarely accomplished anything, and also of the lovely orgasm he'd shared with his lover that morning, as further reminder not to let his temper run away with him. Talking money with Dee was always tricky business. "Dee, you know I can support both of us, easily. I was paying my rent just fine before you moved in."

Ryo did his best not to advertise the fact that he a trust fund, and the interest from that trust fund that he collected would have been nearly a living wage if he didn't live in the most expensive city in the country. The truth of the matter was, though, that he was living below his means before Dee came along, and the only reason Ryo had let Dee split the bills with him, is because it allowed them both to ignore the huge class discrepancy as much as possible.

"Yeah, but first of all I have no desire to be a kept man, second of all, your aunt will take it as evidence that I really am a gold digging slut, and while the latter is undeniably true, the former is not." Dee replied with a shrug.

"You wouldn't be a kept man Dee, think of it more as a… house wife." Ryo smiled a little, reaching over to give Dee's ribs a little poke. "And you're really more of a reformed slut." Ryo offered. Mentally he sighed though. This conversation was likely to go around in circles for ages. "Dee," Ryo said softly, turning to look at him. "I get it, okay? I get that you don't like the idea of living off my income, but you've had odd jobs all your life, when you weren't getting paid, you were taking care of business at the orphanage, you've worked for everything you have… I get that." Ryo reached out and touched his cheek. "So take a break. It won't be for too long, just until we get Bikky on his, ah, foot again… or long enough for us to be ready to… make other choices as needed."

"Ryo, I'm –"

"It's not like it's going to be less work, just for the record. Besides…" Ryo let out a breath and looked down at his hands. "I am not the man for this job. I'm too soft, when he's tired, when he says it hurts, or it's too hard, I won't have it in me to push him. I'll tell myself that he's already been through so much, no reason to continue to make things hard… but he's going to need to be pushed, maybe every minute of the day. You can do that, you're _good_ at doing that."

Dee started to shake his head, opening his mouth, most likely, Ryo thought, to tell Ryo that Ryo would to be just fine at it, that he would be fantastic, the best ever. It was an utter lie. Ryo wasn't very good, especially with Bikky, about making him do things he didn't want to do when Ryo felt bad about making him do them in the first place. Dee always seemed convinced that Ryo was the best (or at least better than him) at almost everything.

"No, Dee. No excuses, no explanations… our son needs you, damnit, _you_. He may want me, I suspect you'll be right about that… but he needs the hard ass. Besides, you always take care of me. You'd think I was a princess the way you treated me sometimes." Ryo replied firmly.

"Well, not a princess," Dee mumbled, looking down.

"Certainly like I'm royalty and shouldn't have to dirty my hands with anything, or lift a finger if there's anything you can do about it. But this isn't about us, it's about Bikky, and it's you that he needs." Ryo reached out and took Dee's hand in his own. "Just think about it, okay?"

Dee let out a long breath. He really was powerless to say no to Ryo. "Alright, I'll think about it," he agreed, though Dee already knew he would give in. In part, because it was what Ryo wanted, but also, because he knew Ryo was right too. Dee was the better of the pair to push Bikky in the ways that he needed to be pushed. Even if he woke up and wasn't himself, woke up needing to ride the short bus for the rest of his life… there would still be progress to be made.

Author's Note: So really, this was two short chapters smooshed together, but what can ya do? On a semi-related note: I am calling on all of you who are writers of slash/yaoi/shounen-ai for a favor. As some of you may know, I am a graduate student in Women's Studies, and I am currently working on my thesis. For my thesis, I am studying the phenomenon of slash, women writing male same-sex couples. As part of this study, I have a survey that I am conducting. I need as many responses as I can get, so please, please take ten minutes to complete this survey. If I don't get enough respondents, I can't complete my research or thesis. So please, help out your fellow writer! Check out the survey and further information at www (dot) worldsbeyond (dot) net (backslash) surveyfrontpage (dot) html or for a link check out my profile.

Oh! And the title is from the song "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson. It's very nice; it was on my play list while writing the love scene.


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